'And what are you expecting little boy since you've been so naughty this year?'

Who's been a bad boy again? Santa certainly won't be bringing you any presents this Christmas Jacko - except maybe a stretch of 8 years free bed and board courtesy of the United States prison authorises!

Carlos Andreas, has made amazing claims that he is in fact the "real superman". We questioned the man once his minders had checked us for Kryptonite. Well Superman can't be too careful can he? 'So you're the real Superman,' we asked him. 'For sure I am Superman, do you not see the outfit?' Sure enough he was wearing the outfit normally associated with Superman. 'And do you use a telephone kiosk like the superhero does?' 'What to urinate?' he replied. 'No Superman gets changed in a telephone kiosk,' we stated. 'Oh ... No I don't do that, I usually urinate in a telephone kiosk.' That's where we had him, the real Superman would never urinate in a telephone kiosk, Superman is a decent and law-abiding, upstanding citizen. This guy is obviously a fake!

Kelly never does her homework, plays truant frequently, smokes, drinks, takes drugs, regularly has sex with lots of different boys, became pregnant at twelve and is about to run away with her teacher who is ten years her senior.

Wish I'd had such a ball when I was her age!

Mr Bush would like to wish everyone a merry Christmas - Mr Bush would like to wish everyone a merry Christmas, but he just can't help himself bombing a large, virtually defenceless country instead (if there's any left!)

David Blaine Makes Himself Disappear

Has anyone seen magician and publicity seeker extraordinaire David Blaine since he came out of his box? Is he alive, is he dead? Is he busy dreaming up his next stunt? Perhaps we could stick him at the top of a large Christmas tree over Christmas - he'd make a weird fairy! It seems like the magician famous for making things disappear has made himself disappear!

Showbiz news

Britney's Tears

In a recently interview pop princess Britney Spears shed tears when her ex, Justin Timberlake, was mentioned. We are amazed at no one present had the commercial enterprise to collect the tears with a dropper and flog them.  Each drop could have fetched a fortune. Imagine owning actual Britney tears! Wow!

Here at Bananas we are saddened to hear that pop band Atomic Kitten are not to split despite rumours that Natasha was to leave the band. This could mean more dreadful Blondie covers from the girls!