I ordered a drink from the topless Thai waitress at the bar, the noise of the music almost drowning out my voice as I did so.  She didnt seem to understand English too well, it was difficult to make her comprehend what I wanted.  She returned moments later with my drink, I paid and told her to keep the change; they like you to tip heavily in these kind of joints, so I thought when in Rome   I bet you make some nice tips in this place, I asked her.  She bent her head forward straining to hear and said, Im sorry?  Nice tips! I shouted above the noise.  She glanced down at her breasts, then looked back up to me again and smiled, Oh thank you.

I pushed through the crowd with my drink.  Every nation and race seemed to be represented here: There were loud Americans in equally loud suits, French, Dutch and lads from Blighty out on the piss. 

Excitement mounts as the strippers acts draw to their conclusion and the women leave.  Now some more girls appear - these, I guess, are the contestants.  An announcer confirms this in a warbled message that sounds like a trains arrival announcement over a clapped out PA at some railway station.  'Ladies and gentlemen, the 2002 Bangkok Ping-Pong Ball Championships are about to commence,' is what I think he says.  The first girl, called Sexy Sadie, who is Japanese with long bright pink hair and massive breasts removes her dressing gown, she is naked underneath.  She positions herself down, propping herself up with her elbows and spreads her legs akimbo.  In front of her, marked on the floor, are various measurements from one metre up to ten metres (wow, ten metres!)  An official shows a ping-pong ball to the crowd to applause, then hands it to the contestant who shoves it between her legs.  The crowd and I are waiting in anticipation, I almost miss the feat as someone in front of me moves his head to get a better look.  I stand on tiptoes and in amazement just manage to catch the ball shoot from the girls crotch.  The crowd goes mad, cheering and whistling but somehow I get the impression this wasnt a successful attempt, as the ball travels only just over a metre.  The stripper looks disappointed as she puts on her dressing gown and walks away head bowed.  A naked fifteen year old girl wanders into the "arena", at least that's the age she looked - if that - due to her small, skinny stature and pert breasts.  Looking as young as she did she could have been my niece ('cept for the fact that neither my brother nor his wife is Thai!)  She was announced as Cindy Rella and positioning herself down confidently, as the previous contestant had done, she was handed the ping-pong ball which she proceeded to place into her "shooter."  This tiny Thai then, seemingly without any signs of effort, shot the ball like a bloody torpedo a good four metres!  This was confirmed by an announcement, "4.3 metres!"  I was amazed.  Not bad for a little 'un, I thought.  A number of contestants followed, including mostly Thais but one Brit; an ex-pat called Eileen Duckworth (blonde, big tits, about 30) and a Parisian described over the PA as an "Ooh la la Frenchie girl."  The last of the ten contestants, Lucy Wang, is a legend.  It is said she once propelled a ball the full ten metres!  Surely thats not possible I thought to myself, someones taking the piss.  I mean, I dont make any claims to understand the dynamics of pussy propulsion but   The heroine in question has medium-length, black hair and is a very attractive, voluptuous Thai.  As she walks onto the stage she receives the type of welcome a prizefighter would as he enters a boxing ring.  The applause and cheers are deafening.  She takes up the now familiar position and is handed her ammunition.  The spectators become quiet.  In fact, the crowd has become so silent you can hear the distant bonking of clients and their whores coming from the rooms upstairs.  She places the ping-pong ball in her "launch pad."  This is the moment everyone has been waiting for.  Last year, it is claimed, she managed seven metres.  She regularly performs in the clubs in the area astounding audiences with her talent.  The woman isn't moving, she's just positioned there, people are exchanging glances, mutterings can be heard between spectators.  I wonder whether the poor girl has died out there.  Then, unexpectedly the ball pops out and I mean "pops", as disastrously it lands mere centimetres from her crotch, bouncing a few times before it rolls away. The phrase "damp squib" springs to mind.  The crowd is naturally disappointed and starts booing and slow-clapping.  Wang gives an audible "fuck!" then storms off the stage looking visibly pissed-off at her performance.

The small Thai girl, Cindy Rella, is brought back out, the official raising the winner's hand in triumph, a beam fixed on this tiny contestant's face.  She receives rapturous applause and is handed a trophy; a golden ping-pong ball mounted on a stand, with a plaque at its base.  The Golden Ball Of Bangkok, as it is known, is apparently a great honour to win amongst the Bangkok stripping community.  So Cindy Rella - what an elfin wonder! - is champion and it's all over for another year.

I make my way out of the joint and I'm thinking to myself that, who knows, we may see the day when this becomes an Olympic sport.  I climb the stairs and encounter the girls in the corridor above once more, offering me the same favours.  As I pass the stairs up, I hear a familiar voice behind me.  "Hi Tommy!"  I turn round to face the whore who propositioned me earlier.  "Oh " she says, recognising me from before, then she grins and, flashing her tits again says, "You want some now?"  As I said earlier, when in Rome ...