Don't get too drunk - you might snog the mother-in-law (and people have a nasty habit of having video cameras handy at Christmas!)

Don't do any penis puppetry to entertain your relatives at your get together - especially the children - even if it is Rudolf the Red Nosed Penis! They won't be amused and the police are likely to be called.

At the office party don't make it too obvious that you fancy that girl in your office, be subtle about it, go up to her with some mistletoes ask for a kiss, if she agrees kiss her then drag her into the storeroom and shaft her up the ass!

Remember a dog is for life and not just for Christmas, so if you've drunkenly chatted up the office dog and fucked her, she might want a relationship when you've sobered up and it may end in marriage, so be careful who you chat up (except if her father is wealthy that is!)

Make sure that any elderly people are heavily sedated so as to avoid embarrassing scenes where they get a bit merry and hoist their skirts up to show their knickers (why do old people do that at Christmas when their drunk?)

To save money on presents tell your kids that Santa isn't able to come down the chimney anymore - not since you had it blocked up when you installed central heating - so you're having to buy the presents yourself this year and can only afford one small inexpensive toy (from Woolies or somewhere for e.g.) each for them.

Make a small trifle go round twenty people if you have one of those old record players, stick it on and set it to 78 rpm and get everyone to open their mouths, then shout: 'Trifle's up!' and set the deck spinning!

Games

Shoot Your Relatives

A gun is [passed round to music and whoever ends up with the gun when the music stops gets to shoot a relative of their choice.

Blind Man's Buff

Put a blindfold on old uncle Wilfred, and then piss off down the pub!

Hours of fun!

Pass the Parcel

Guests take it in turn to pass round an unwanted present; like that pair of socks Aunt Gertrude bought you, and whoever is holding the present when the music stops has to keep it.