I decided to keep a diary, as it will help me with the project when I come to write it up. I'm not going to do any of this: dear diary shit though, that's for geeks. My name is Whitney, as in Houston. I am a sixth year high school student. When our teacher, Miss Peters, who all the boys fancy and who all us girls are really jealous of, asked us to do a project, our totally weird classmate Laura, who's into Marilyn Manson and all that Goth metal shit, and also the occult, mentioned the local legend of The Mayor Witch. Miss Peters had never heard of the legend before, but I had. A really spooky myth about a witch who used to live out in the woods, who once had an affair with the town's mayor. He didn't believe the rumours that she was a cannibal madwoman. Until she bit his dick off that is! They say she made a stew of his balls!
So: local urban myth or true story?
Well that's what me and my two friends decided to find out, it was to be our project.
Me, Greg and Pete went down to the camping store to buy a tent. Outside after we'd bought it, we were accosted by a real weirdo, this old guy; warning us off going out into the woods in search of the Mayor Witch.
'It's an evil thing,' he told us. 'Pure evil!'
The guy had a nervous twitch and kept slapping his own face at various intervals, claiming that he was being attacked by flies that the witch had sent to get him because he was warning us off.
'You don't want to go out into the woods, the bitch will get you!' he warned.
He ended up running down the street, batting himself and shouting, 'Get them off me, get them off me!'
What a looney!
We interviewed a woman who was standing outside of her house on the road that runs down to the woods. She was holding a young baby that wouldn't stop crying.
'I don't know what's wrong with him,' she told us. 'He's not usually like this.'
The baby had only begun crying when we mentioned the Mayor Witch and the woman started telling us what she knew.
'Of course I've heard the stories,' she informed us.
'And do you believe these stories?' I asked her.
She looked out to the woods in the distance. 'Yes, yes I do, I've heard things when the wind's been blowing in the right direction; strange noises coming from the woods.'
'What kind of noises?' Greg wanted to know.
'Eerie noises; noises like nothing human I've ever heard.'
The baby only really began to get hysterical when the woman warned us off going into the woods.
'Stay out, it's an evil place.'
'Evil?' I said.
'People go out into the woods and they never return, they get lost in there, it loses them.'
'It?' Greg wanted to know.
'The Mayor Witch, you mean?' Pete asked.
'Well I'm not talking about Yogi Bear am I!' the woman said sarcastically.
Her baby was crying even worse by this time.
'I'll take him inside,' she told us and disappeared indoors.
A moment later the baby stopped crying and the woman let out a scream.
She rushed outside, a look of horror on her face.
'My baby just died!'
'At least he's stopped crying,' said Pete.
I nudged him and shot him a look for him being so insensitive.
'What? I'm only trying to cheer her up!' he said.
'My baby mean't everything to me,' the woman told us in tears. 'I don't think I can go on living without him. I'm going to kill myself!'
And with this she disappeared inside again.
'Maybe we should go after her, she might do something stupid,' I said concerned for the woman.
'She won't kill herself, the woman's just upset,' Greg told us.
Then we heard a gunshot from inside the house.
'I guess I was wrong,' Greg admitted.
In our quest for more information on the subject of the Mayor Witch, we went down to the local library and asked the Chief Librarian about it. He had plenty to tell us and even showed us old newspapers from years ago; detailing strange occurrences in the woods and people who had been out there and never returned.
The guy had a weak bladder and he had to keep excusing himself while he went off for a pee. On the last occasion he didn't quite make it and pissed himself.
We learned all about the legend of the Mayor Witch but the smell was terrible; and at one point Greg had to go outside for some air. The Chief Librarian claimed that the witch had put a spell on him and give him the weak bladder because he'd been warning everyone off; just like the other guy and the woman.
Is this town full of loons or is there something in this Mayor Witch thing?
We're setting off this morning. I've packed everything I need including my lucky mascot, Teddy - that's my teddy bear. I called him, Teddy, when I was very young (I never did have much of an imagination!)
So me, Greg and Pete, and Teddy, set off; technically that's four of us, cos I've always thought of Teddy as a real live person (well real live bear that should be!) That little guy seems to be aware of everything though; as if he's real; it's as if he's got a life of his own. And I've always talked to him like a real live person but he never spoke back to me; that is, until we got into the woods.
I took him down by a stream, and while the others weren't around, I said to him, 'Do you think I'm crazy; camping out here with my friends in search of the Mayor Witch?'
'Well you always were a mad bitch,' he said to me in a deep voice. 'Talking to a teddy bear; and how old are you?'
I was shocked that Teddy had spoken to me in this way.
Then he added, 'Get out, get out of the woods!'
'Why?' I asked him.
'Because, don't you know? Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic, and you're not fucking welcome!'
I threw him in the stream (I didn't like the way he spoke to me one bit!)
'Throw me in the stream would you, you bitch,' he shouted as he floated away from me. 'I'll get you, I'll fucking get you!'
It was the weirdest thing, I think it must have been the influence of the Mayor Witch; working its evil!
I suppose the most scariest time was when the sun began to set, there were lots of eerie shadows and noises of animals that - living in the town - you're not used to. You imagine the wildlife is saying all kinds of things. I'm sure a bird of some kind was saying, 'You're all going to die horribly tonight, the Mayor Witch is gonna kill you fuckers!'
Which is ridiculous, cos birds can't talk, but then again, neither can teddy bears!
Night fell and we sat outside the tent, around the campfire we'd built, and, to take our minds off things, we told each other horror stories. Perhaps not the best of ideas, as the stories the guys told gave me the willies. The guys later wanted to give me the willies but I don't fancy either of them; and besides, I've seen them undressing (and their dicks are not very big!)
They're suggesting something very disgusting we could get up to later; involving the two of them and me, but I'm not that sort of girl and besides - as I've just said - their dicks are not very big (so they wouldn't be able to satisfy me like when I normally do that kind of thing!)
After the stories around the campfire, Greg thought he heard a noise; something moving in the bushes.
'What's that?' he said.
'I dunno, but I'm not going out there to find out,' said Pete.
'It's probably just some wild animal or something,' I reasoned.
'Well let's hope it's a wild animal and not "something"!' Greg said.
'You don't think it's the Mayor Witch do you?' taunted Pete sarcastically.
'Don't be stupid, it's just folklore,' Greg answered but looking on edge.
'Well go out there and take a look,' Pete mocked.
'It's probably just some kind of wild animal,' Greg said, unsuccessfully trying to hide his fears.
'Well go take a look.' Pete wasn't going to give up with his mocking.
'No, I ...' began Greg, peering out into the woods.
'You think it's the Mayor Witch don't you? You chicken!'
'I'm not a chicken, OK?'
'Well go out there.'
'It could be ... a bear!' Greg said, hoping this would satisfy Pete as a good enough reason not to go out in to the woods.
I was thinking other things to myself. It could be Teddy come back to haunt me; in revenge for me throwing it in the lake. But I didn't tell the others; they would have thought the rumours about my family were true. But the madness is not in me I keep telling myself; I won't let it get a hold of me.
So Greg decides to prove he's not chicken and goes out into the woods. Pete and me go into the tent and try to settle down for the night
'Whitney? Now that Greg's gone into the woods ...' began Pete.
'What?' I asked.
'Well do you want to ...'
'Well I've always liked you.'
'You think that ...' I began; knowing what he was after. 'You can get that idea right out of your head!'
'I bet you're gay, everyone says so,' Pete said, angry about his rejection.
'Just because I don't want sex with you, doesn't mean I'm gay, it could just mean that you're ugly.'
'I'm not ugly!'
'Have you looked in a mirror lately? Quasimodo's got nothing on you.'
'I'm not ugly!' Pete repeated.
'Well I'm going to sleep,' I told him. 'Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the Mayor Witch bite!'
Then we heard it, the most agonising scream we've ever heard. It was Greg, he was crying out. We rushed outside and shouted to him.
Greg yelled back, 'It's got me, it's got me!'
'What has?' I called into the darkness.
We couldn't tell which direction his voice was coming from
'It's horrible,' he shouted and then gave another shriek.
'Go in there quick, help him!' I said to Pete.
'I'm not going in there, are you crazy?'
'Don't you care about Greg?'
'But that thing's out there, it's got him; if I go out there it'll get me too!'
'Well I'll go then,' I suggested. I didn't want to but Greg was my friend and I had to do what I could to help him.
'No, don't,' Pete said.
'That's sweet,' I told him. 'Stopping me from going out there, you must really care.'
'Well I do,' he told me, I was amazed that Pete had any human feelings at all! 'It turns out that you're really a nice guy after all.'
'I am,' he said, grinning at me.
'Even though you're a dog,' I added.
'So you'll have sex with me then?' he asked, his eyes lighting up.
I knew it was too good to be true; that Pete was even halfway decent, all he was after was a jump. He was only saying these things to get me in the sack. Poor Greg was out there getting brutally ripped to shreds by, whatever the monstrosity in the woods was, and here was Pete coming on to me.
Then I came up with an idea to get him out into the woods to try to save Greg - lie through my teeth!
'If you go into the woods to try to save Greg, I'll let you,' I told him.
To my surprise he said, 'No, it's not worth risking my life just for a jump.
What a dipshit!
'Then I'll go,' I said; finally resigning myself to it.
'Please yourself,' Pete said.
Then Greg's screaming stopped.
'Too late now,' Pete said. 'Looks like he's dead. At least there's one consolation.'
'You don't have to go out into the woods now to try and save him!'
We went into the tent, somehow it felt safe in the tent: our sanctuary! Although a bit of canvas was probably no guard against the vicious ripping claws of the Mayor Witch but hey, you don't think like that in those sort of situations, do you?
Next morning we stepped out of the tent and a package had been left for us. We looked at each other, then Pete stepped forward and picked it up and peered inside the brown paper bag.
'Eurgh!' he said in disgust, almost dropping it. 'Don't look!'
But I had to look. I snatched the bag from him and took a look in it.
'Eurgh!' I said. inside the package was a severed nose!
'Is that ...' I said to Pete. 'Greg's nose?'
'Yeah it's horrible isn't it and he's not blown it,' said Pete.
'We need to give it a decent burial,' I suggested.
'What just the nose?'
'I have a nagging suspicion that the rest of our friend Greg is inside the Mayor Witch by now,' I concluded.
'You don't believe all that crap do you?'
'Well what's that then?' I said nodding in the direction of Greg's nose.
'It doesn't mean that the Mayor Witch got him,' Pete reasoned.
'Well how do you suppose his nose became severed, do you think he had a big sneeze or something?'
'Yeah, poor Greg.'
Then Pete turned to me and said, 'Fancy a shag?'
'No,' I told him
'But don't you need consoling?'
'Not like that, besides we have to bury Greg's nose, it's the least we could do.'
'Yeah, I suppose it's what he would have wanted.'
'But I think I'll blow it first.'
'Yeah, yeah do that, it's the least we can do, don't want to bury him with a runny nose.'
We dug a little hole and just before I put Greg's nose in it I said a little piece for him.
'Dearly beloved, we are gathered together today to say goodbye to our dear friend ... or at least his nose. We commend Greg's nose to the ground, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, nose to nose.'
We decided we'd head on back find our way out of the woods, but no matter how far we travelled we seemed to end back in the same place. At one point as night fell, Pete got up to his old tricks.
'Listen, we might never make it out of the woods alive; not with that thing out there.'
'So what are you saying?' I asked.
As if I didn't know.
'Might as well make the most of our last hours,' he said, and I knew what he was going to suggest again; slimy toerag! I decided to be sarcastic.
'What you mean, play cards or something?'
'No not cards, unless you want to play strip poker that is.'
'No I don't.'
'Oh come on, just a quickie!'
'I don't like quickies.'
'Well I suppose I've got nothing to lose ... not now,' he said with a look in his eye; he was leering at me!
He began advancing, I started to back away.
'What do you mean?' I asked him, but I knew his intentions.
'Might as well take what I want now, you're not going to struggle are you?'
'Keep away from me!' I told him.
He kept coming, so I turned and fled. I tried to make my way back to the tent. Somehow I lost him and there was the tent. I went in and closed the flap.
Suddenly I heard Pete cry out in the distance somewhere and it was a similar shriek to Greg's the night before. I knew then that, whatever had attacked Greg, had got Pete too now. I wasn't relieved, even though he'd almost forced himself on me; I knew it was probably the evil influence of ... whatever was out there!
I was now alone in the woods.
31st October (Halloween!)
There was a similar small package to the previous morning waiting for me outside my tent. I didn't want to open the package, terrified of what might be in there.
But I did open it. It contained a severed dick; Pete's dick!
I still thought it wasn't very big; not what I was used to, and was glad I didn't succumb to his advances.
I buried Pete's dick like we had done with Greg's nose the day before.
I looked out at the woods. It's funny how less menacing they appear in the daytime.
A squirrel appeared, it ventured over to me nervously. I threw it some of my salted peanuts and it came nearer. It was so trusting. It added some sense of normality to the situation: here was this innocent creature in amongst all this horror!
I grabbed hold of it and knocked it out with a log. All the food had ran out, I had to eat something! I skinned the cute little fella and roasted it. Have you any idea how good roast squirrel tastes!
As I was lost, I decided to stay put, I was still reasoning that there must be a logical explanation to all of this. That some wild bear was responsible!
It wasn't possible that some supernatural entity existed out there, some hungry spirit of a witch who bites off noses and dicks of anyone who wanders into the woods.
Help might come, I thought. It was reassurance; somebody could wander by. A team of boy scouts on a camping trip could come along any moment. I got horny at the thought of all those young nubile male bodies, it made me feel better for a while. Especially when I fantasised about them gang-banging me!
I cooked some baked beans and made myself some toast. Later I lay in the tent farting my ass off to my heart's content. I always like purping when I'm alone but when anyone else is around I have to let them out silently and that's no fun!
All in all, if this is my last day on earth, I've had fun at least!
I was all right for a while, but then ...
Night began to fall again. The eerie shadows of sunset came and went, the birdsong faded and the creatures of the night came out and I knew that out there somewhere was my death; waiting to come and claim me. Poetic little bitch aren't I!
I'm sitting tight in my tent and I can hear it now advancing through the undergrowth of the woods.
It's coming to get me. As these are my final moments, I'd just like to say that I love you mom, I don't love you dad (because of that incident in the shower), but the rest of my family are okay, apart from uncle Ralf who liked to tickle me when I was younger in a place he wasn't supposed to touch. Come to think of it, my entire family are perves; my mom's into bondage and my gran likes licking squirty cream off my grandpa's dick. No wonder I'm so fucked up! Anyway it's coming, I can hear it getting ever nearer. Whatever it is, it's not human. I can tell this by the way it moans, that's not a human moan; it is something so horrible that my imagination cannot produce an image of it. This doesn't matter, as I'll see it soon; whatever the thing is!
It's ripping through the canvas and I see it. I don't believe it, do my eyes deceive me? It's ... Teddy!
'Hello bitch!' he's saying to me.
I'm pleading with it, 'Look I know your pissed off that I threw you in the stream and everything but I've always loved you Teddy, you know that, I've had you since I was a little girl.'
'It's time to die bitch,' Teddy's saying; ignoring my pleas.
'Can't we talk about this?'
'No, I'm sick of hearing you talk. All I've ever heard from you is talk; I'm fucking sick of hearing your voice!'
Its eyes are glowing red, it's a thing possessed!
It's got claws, razor sharp claws, he's coming at me, that's why this diary has become scribble, but you have to know, because by the time you read this I will be dead and the evil Teddy will still be out there somewhere!
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