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The news presented in a patronising manner for our younger readers ...

December 2002
The Truth About Santa Clause
 
Shall I let you into a little secret kids?  Santa Clause is not real.  He's your parents!  Don't tell them that we told you though! 
     You see, your parents lie to you.  They make up all that crap about Santa Clause.  It's so you'll behave yourself all year and not give them any trouble.  Aren't parents absolute shitheads!
     You see, Santa Clause is a myth.  I think it began in Germany with Saint Knickerless - trust the Germans to be the ones who started it!  I mean they started the war didnt they! 
     It probably began with them telling their kids: 'You vill do as vee say, or Saint Nickerless vill not bring you any presents, and you vill tell us vot vee vont to know about who spilt ze orange juice all over ze new carpet.'
     Saint Knickerless was a lady of the night (a prossie!) who used to hide from the police by wearing a big white beard and a red, hooded tunic, so they wouldn't know she was a woman on the game. 
     That's how the myth began, and his name was changed to "Santa Clause" becaue you can't have him called Saint "Knickerless", can you, that's too rude!
     Anyway, it's too cold at the North Pole to support any human life, let alone Santa and a bunch of elves.  It's what's scientifically know as: bloody freezing!
     So that's it - the truth about Santa Clause!
 
Have a merry Christmas kids, and try not to get too pissed!

May 2002
Be Safe kids not injured kids ...

Okay kids, you're young, you're carefree, life is an adventure playground, but, wait, STOP!!!  Have you any idea just how DANGEROUS that adventure playground can be?  There's rusty tin cans, sharp knives, old fridges that can trap you inside, old kettles (believe me they can be dangerous if you whack someone over the head repeatedly, over and over, until you smash their skull in and they drop down bleeding to the floor!

Also, there are funny men who want to take you for a ride in a car and show you some puppies (I bet that's not all they want to show you either!)  If one of these men approaches you, make as much noise as possible, hit the fucker with the nearest heavy object, and if he grabs hold of you, knee him in the bollocks - that always works (that's what I always do when some funny man tries to take me to see some puppies, or if anybody approaches me now I come to think about it!)

You may think that swings and slides and roundabouts at the park are safe, but you could very easily fall off and land on a rusty iron spike (nasty!)

Even in the home, danger lurks.  For instance, there are hot things that can SCOLD and more sharp knives.  Remember kids, if you want to slice something with a sharp knife, get your mother to do it (let the stupid bitch cut herself - don't put yourself at risk, that's what mothers are for!)  The oven too, is not a plaything, stay away from it - it's EVIL!!!  IT IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE!!!  You may think it looks innocent enough, but if you're playing hide and seek, and you hide inside it and your mother comes along and accidentally lights it with you inside - it'll COOK YOU!

Animals are dangerous too, that friendly dog you're just about to pat and stroke could be a vicious, rabid, beast!  As can that rabbit over there and that tortoise there look and MY GOD THE budgerigar!!!  Stay away frOm the budgerigar!!! it's been possessed by the devil and it's a man-eater!!!  It's head will start spinning round and it'll vomit GREEN GOO at you!  THE GREEN GOO WILL EAT AWAY AT YOU LIKE ACID (LIKE THE ALIEN'S BLOOD IN THE FILM: ALIEN!!!)

AND MY GOD WE'RE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE!!!  FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE RUN!!!  RUN AND HIDE IN A LINEN CUPBOARD SOMWHERE - AND HAMMER THE DOOR SHUT WITH NAILS, AND STAY IN IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

Sorry ... ahem ... I got a bit carried away there.  Remember kids: play safe, stay safe, and you'll grow up to be like your mother and father (unemployed, hooked on drugs and on the game!)

April 2002 

Hi kids!  In light of recent events involving Prince Harry, I thought I'd like to use this column to point out the dangers of drugs to all young people who might want to try them.

Prince Harry is a Royal, and so is very, very special.  He can afford expensive rehab treatment if he goes wrong.  But most of you kids are being brought up by a single mother on a council estate, she's probably on the game just to pay her council tax (and so wouldn't be able to pay for you to go into the priory like Robbie Williams or Kate Moss did).  The best she could probably do would be to send you down the shops for some Lucozade, and that wouldnt help - it's not exactly methadone is it?  And you'd probably have to steal it anyway, because she's spent all her money on fags.

So stay away from drugs, they are bad news.  You might think that because all those pop stars snort the odd line of cocaine here, or inject the odd shot of heroin there, that it's okay, but it's not.

I know you're living a shitty life in your council flat with your whore of a single mother and you can't afford the lecky bill or the gas bill or anything.  And you're living in a cold flat, starving, and you don't know where your next meal is coming from - but never mind, cheer up, in another eleven months it'll be Christmas again, and your mum will have slept with enough men to be able to afford to buy you a new computer game!  So there's no need to do drugs is there kids?  Remember, think before you do drugs!

Until next time kids, hang loose!

January 2002

Hi kids!
Not looking forward to going back to school after the Christmas holidays? Did you get what you wanted for Christmas? I did (but you're too young for me to tell you what I got - but here's a clue: she was blonde and gagging for it! To you kids it's all Santa, presents and mince pies, but when you're older you'll understand the real meaning of Christmas: getting pissed, snogging that bird in the office you really fancy and having your missus lock you out as you've been out all night with that bird from the office that you fancy, who turned out to be a real goer!
Anyway, that naughty man Osama bin Laden is still hiding somewhere. If any of you kids have any ideas where the funny beardy chap might be hiding, maybe you could send them to us here at Bananas. Or maybe you could draw a picture or paint a painting and maybe we could have a competition and give the winner of the best idea or painting or picture a prize! Or maybe we couldn't cos it's a stupid idea anyway and I couldn't be bothered looking through all your kids ideas, drawings and pictures, cos they're all gonna be pretty childish and of no use to anyone who lives in the real adult world!

Until next time kids ...

November/December 2001

Hi kids! Yes it's that time of year again when Santa Clause comes down the chimney (and you thought it was snow!) to bring presents to all you boys, girls and hermaphrodites. That's if you've been good! So you boys, if you've been staring at Julie Sixsmith's knickers again every time she bends over - you know how you like to do that (I know I do!) - you won't be getting anything off Santa! And you girls, if you've been naughty too, eyeing all the boys or telling your parents to go shove it, Santa is not going to bring you any presents this year either. Well tough, you'll just have to put it down to experience if you don't get that computer game you want or whatever it is you little brats are into these days.
Never mind, cheer up, there's still all the Christmas parties you'll be going to, with jelly, and pop and crisps. And Julie Sixsmith will be wearing her best party frock, and you know how great she looks in that! Perhaps you'll even get to kiss her on the lips! Wouldn't that be good! I know if I got to kiss Julie Sixsmith on the lips I wouldn't be bothered about getting nothing in my stocking this year!
But remember, you mustn't forget the old folks over the festive season. You know how they love Christmas and they're always hugging you and kissing you and talking about the old days. Just lock them in the cellar with some mince pies, they'll be happy enough. Then you can really enjoy Christmas, I'm wetting myself with excitement already! We love Christmas, don't we kids, yeah!

July/August 2001













Hello children, are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin the news.
Well, that nice man, Tony Blair, who runs the country, has been a bit naughty with privatising things that he promised that he'd never, ever, ever, honest injun, cross my heart and hope to die, ever privatise.
William Hague, you know, that funny man with the baldy head, who used to think he was leader of the Conservative Party. Well he resigned as Tory Party leader just after the General Election. That means he's not the leader of the Tories anymore and they have to find somebody else to be it.
Anne Widdecombe, you know that fat lady with the funny haircut, and Michael Portillo (that's a funny name isn't it - it sounds like portaloo!) that's that nasty man who used to have a go at single mothers, have been in the running but now Kenneth Clarke and Iain Duncan-Smith (that's a long name isn't it) are favourites.
Mrs Thatcher, that's that nasty, mean, wicked lady who used to be Prime Minister in the bad old wicked days of Tory Party rule, said she likes Iain Duncan-Smith the bestest.
And lastly, that silly Mr and Mrs Hamilton have been accused of being naughty again. A lady accused them of being involved in group sex. Group sex is ... er ... birds and bees, buzzing and flying around in a group.
That's all for now children, and remember listen to your teachers, they listened to theirs and look where they are now - they're underpaid, over-worked and stressed out by you little buggers!