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May / June 2003
 
Invisible Chemical Weapons Found in Iraq
The British and American governments are claiming they have found invisible chemical weapons.  The Iraqi scientists had become so advanced that they have cleverly made their weapons of mass destruction - invisible. 
     However sceptics are saying that they can see through this latest ploy by the allied governments' desperate attempt to provide proof of the existence of chemical weapons in Iraq.  Last week a child's chemistry set was said to be a key find.  A child's bedroom was raided and some stink bombs were found.  The child was later let off with a warning, and went without supper for the evening.

Woman Marries Man who Dresses and Behaves Like a Dog
The man, Fido, spends all his life dressed as a dog, and only, takes the costume off once a week to have it dry cleaned. 
     'It's difficult,' says his new bride, a dog lover (she'd have to be) from Clacton.  'I have to take him out for walks so he can do his business, and the neighbours are complaining about his barking.  He bit the postman the other day.'
     After fetching a stick for us, Fido said: 'I've always wanted to be a dog, ever since I was a little puppy.'
     There is however some consolation, as his wife explains: 'He's hung like a big dog, too!'

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
January/February 2003
 
'It's War, War, War!' says Bush

'It's War, War, War!' Agrees Blair
The Prime Minister went on to say, 'You know, I'm not just some puppet saying the same things as President Bush.'

Pete Townsend: 'I Purposely Looked at Child Porn by Accident'
Former member of the Who claimed that he did surf the net to look at child porn, but it was done by accident. 
'I was looking for child porn on the internet,' he told us, 'and found it accidentally.'
The police are seriously thinking of charging him with the serious crime of "Contradiction"!

Lavish Joe Strummer Concert to Reflect Joe's Socialist Values
Multimillionaire rock stars are to get together for the bash and perform some of Joe's best-loved songs (of theirs!) 
It is understood that these rich celebrities may eventually get round, during the course of the evening, to performing one or two of Joe's own songs; once they've done their own stuff, and promoted their new singles, albums, books, merchandise etc.
'Joe came from the anti-capitalist punk era,' said Sting, when we interviewed him at his twelve-acre mansion.  'We owe it to Joe to reflect just how true to the spirit of punk we've all remained.'
Billy Idol and Johnny Rotten are expected to fly in by private jet from their homes in Los Angeles to attend the bash, which promises to be a star-studded evening with all proceeds going directly into the performers' bank accounts.

 
 
 
 
 
December 2002
 
Cherie Blair Buys Used Car From Arthur Daley

'I didn't know he was crooked,' said the Prime Minister's wife, and added: 'I've never watched Minder.' 
A friend of Mrs Blair, however, said that Mrs Blair was a big fan of Minder and had all the videos and everything, and would know that Mr Daley was bent.  
Cherie bought a used car from Mr Daley for her son as a run-around while he was at college. 
Mrs Blair shed some tears at a recent press conference concerning the story - so we all had to feel sorry for her, and think that she was just a na´ve, stupid woman, with no brains (who happens to be a barrister, incidentally!)

Jacko Says That Holding Child Over Hotel Room Balcony Was a Stupid Thing to Do

He didn't, however, comment on whether the extensive plastic surgery he's had done to his face, which now makes him look like Helena Bonham-Carter in Planet of the Apes, was a stupid thing to do! 
Commenting on the incident "Wacko Jacko" said, 'My own father accidentally dropped me on my head from a hotel room balcony when I was a baby, and it hasn't done me any harm.'

Paul Burrell Was Diana's Rock'n'Roll Too!
 
In an exclusive interview with Bananas, Princess Diana's former butler, Paul Burrell, has told of how, not only was he her "rock" but that he was her "rock'n'roll" too!
Burrell told us that he would dress up in a white flared jumpsuit and perform Elvis Presley songs for the princess on many occasions.  He says Diana would clap and sing along and always seemed to enjoy his little performances. 
It is expected he will release a single later in the month for one of Diana's favourite charities: The Paul Burrell Trust.
 
 
 

November 2002
 
Have We Got News For You! 

Angus Deayton may have been axed from the popular humorous television programme, Have I Got News For You, but Bananas is back!  Yes, here we are, cocaine-fuelled and prostitute using - not only that but we have also bedded Ulrika and had a pool party since we were last on the web!  We've not changed; we're still funny, madcap, and controversial with a capital "K"!

Mr Blobby Linked to Ulrika Claims

Mr Blobby has been mentioned in connection with the Ulrika Johnson claims.  The strange pink, yellow-spotted ... well, whatever it is, is rumoured to have had sex with the star earlier in her career.  Not only that but a close friend of Ulrikas said that the star claims to have been gang-banged by the TeletubbiesMiss Johnson was unavailable for comment as we went to press, as she is out promoting her book.

The Conservative Party Opt to Die Rather Than Unite 

After being told by their leader, Iain Duncan Smith, to "unite or die" the Tory Party have opted to die.  One MP told us, 'I'd rather throw myself under a bus, than have a united party.  Whoever heard of a united Conservative Party?'  He added, 'Iain Duncan Smith is obviously not the right man for the job as leader if he wants to unite the Tory Party.  It would be a disaster for us.'

Jeffrey Archer Gets his Sentence Reduced for Talking Nicely to Prison Officers 
 
'This is not special treatment,' said a spokesman for the prison, 'we'd treat any other prisoner just the same, and before you say anything, the caviar and white wine we take to his cell every evening, is no different treatment than what each and every one of our other inmates receives.'

 
 
May 2002
 
Bananas Budget Response 

Some things have gone up and some things have gone down.  Up and down - like a whore's knickers.  We can see the fanny too!

Randy "Sex Scandal" Teacher Makes Us Feel Horny! 

Hearing about the exploits of sex scandal teacher, Eileen Philips, has made all of us here at Bananas very horny!  Hearing that she liked it three times a night and at least once anally with schoolboys at the school where she taught, has got us wishing she'd taught at our school when we were younger!!!  We would have paid more attention in English (her subject) if she had, listening out for come-ons such as, "Would you like to dip your pen in my inkwell?" (One of the lines she used).  Yes we would!  Miss Philips, or "Fit Philips" as she was known to the boys, would invite schoolboys to her home on a regular basis.  It would start as a bit of fun, she would take down their trousers, put them over her knee and spank them (this just gets better).  Then she'd tell them they'd been, "a very naughty boy".  Next she'd take her clothes off and encouraged them them to do the same (wow!)  Then she would ask them to have sex with her, right there in her front room; on the sofa or sometimes on the floor and often as other boys watched, urging the boy on.  She would cry out with pleasure the nearer she came to climax, then she'd moan and then ... (oh, I've come!)

80% of Americans Admit That They're Rude

80% of Americans, recently, admitted that they are rude.  The rest who were asked said, "SCREW YOU BOZO - GO BOIL YOUR ASS!!!"

A Cure for AIDS is Just Around the Corner Claims Doctor

A doctor has claimed that a cure for AIDS is just around the corner.  Dr Hans Schmidt has said that he's been working on the disease for some years, and that he is now nearing finding a cure, and, that it was literally just around the corner.  We challenge Dr Schmidt's ludicrous claims - as we went round the corner and a cure for AIDS was nowhere in sight!

Showbusiness news

Liz Hurley Has Her Baby
 
Liz Hurley, the talented and fantastically large-bossomed actress, has given birth to a baby boy.
We wonder whether she'll be breast feeding or not, after all, she's got enough to go round - she should have enough to feed a whole maternity ward with those jugs!
So if she is going to be breast feeding there's something to be said for being a fly on the wall we think - or in fact the baby on her tit!

April 2002

Nation Mourns Queen Mum
 
Britain is in mourning over the death of the Queen Mum, who died last week. We went on to the streets of London to assess the mood of people gathered there to mourn her. 
"She was a lovely woman," one cabbie told us, and added, "She'll be greatly missed.  I miss her."  A tear was visible in his eye as he told us this. 
A woman we stopped said, "I lost my own mother a few months ago, but that was nothing compared to this.  I'm devastated!" 
Another passerby we talked to, upon us mentioning the Queen Mum, just shrieked, ran in the direction of the Thames and jumped in!

The Queen (God Bless Her!) Makes Plans for a Right Royal Knees-up - Up the Palace!
 
A Palace spokesman said that a banquet fit for a ... well, Queen is being prepared for Her Majesty's celebrations of her Golden Jubilee.  Other plans include the Queen's favourite party game Pin the Tail on the Corgi, in which guests try to stick large knitting needles into the corgi's tails while blindfolded.  The spokesman added that the last the Queen and her guests played this game, her corgi's yelps and howls, as guests blindly plunged the knitting needles in them, could be heard for miles around.
Special security arrangements have been made to keep known Corgi Skewering Saboteurs (the CSS) from disrupting the event.

Government Have Plan to Save the Railways

"I'm going to be the stationmaster and I'm going to make John Prescott the Fat Controller," says Blair.  The Prime Minister has been busy watching reruns of children's favourite Thomas the Tank Engine, has read all the books and everything, and now says he has a clear idea of how to run the railways better.

What Should We Expect From the Budget?
 
Higher prices on things we can ill afford as it is.  He's going to put up all the essentials - fags and booze!  Speaking as a chain-smoking alcoholic myself, I am appalled!
 
Man Swears He's Seen Bin Laden in Lewis's Liverpool 

Alan Kerrigan, a Liverpool man, has swore blind that he's seen wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden, in Lewis's department store in Liverpool city centre.  The mysterious bearded man, who bought a bra and panties and a dress, was overheard by Kerrigan as saying, "Praise be to Allah," and, "America is the spawn of Satan's testicles."  Kerrigan's sighting is not said to be very reliable; as in the previous week he claimed to have seen Lord Lucan, Elvis and Shergar - all out for an evening together at one of the city's resteraunts!  Mr Kerrigan is, however, keen to point out that he's not some attention-seeking individual who makes outrageous claims - he claimed this through a loud hailer in the city centre, where he drew quite a crowd!

January 2002


Bush Announces War On Terrapins

In the furtherance of the recent action, President Bush has announced war on terrapins.
'Those pesky little critters really piss me off!' he has said. 'I'm gonna concentrate all our troops on bombing the little bastards out of the water. They have no place to hide, we'll smoke em out; wherever they're hiding, well get 'em out; we'll blow them apart!'
Questions have been asked about the relevance of this recent strategy and what good it will do in the furtherance of finding bin Laden.
So far the White House has remained silent on the claims, as it is a big white building made out of bricks and mortar and is not capable of speech or complicated thought processes (a bit like the president really!)

First Major Natural disasters, Then Sept. 11th, Now Steps Split!
(Could the end of the world be in sight?)

Pop group, Steps, have split; prompting fears that we could be heading for the end of civilisation as we know it. There have been just too many disasters in recent years and now with the band's departure from the music scene, people are talking in biblical terms of a disastrous end for our planet sometime soon.
Even Nostradamus predicted Steps' split in his prophecies. At one point he writes, 'And the first sign of the end of the world will come with the split of the band who sound like Abba and who have that gorgeous bit of stuff, Faye, in the group.'
So there you have it, the world could just explode tomorrow! But try not to panic, Nostradamus has only been right 99% of the time; so let's keep our fingers crossed that he was wrong about this one eh!

George Harrison Leaves Money to Mr Harry Krishna of Leeds by Mistake

The late ex-Beatle, George Harrison, has left 10 million pounds by mistake to a Leeds man, Harry Krishna!
'I couldn't believe it when this big fat cheque turned up through the letterbox for ten million quid,' said Harry.
When he first received the cheque, Mr Krishna spoke of his love of the Beatles and especially George himself. After finding out the cheque wasn't for him and that he had to give it back, he fumed, 'I never did like the sodding Beatles and especially that tight bastard George Harrison! That sitar of his was a horrible racket!'

Government Plans to Shoot Jobseekers if They Refuse Offer of Work

In a bid to get the unemployment figures even lower, the government plan to shoot unemployed people who do not take up an offer of work offered to them. Their "three strikes and your shot" policy will come into force early in the New Year. If an unemployed person refuses one job, he will get kneed in the bollocks by a member of the job centre staff, if it's a woman she gets her nipples tweaked by the appointed Head Tweaker at the centre. If an unemployed person refuses two offers of work he or she will be put into stocks and have rotted fruit and vegetables thrown at them by members of the public. If three offers of work are turned down, the offender will be taken out to the back of the job centre, blindfolded and shot by the local Employment Service Firing Squad.
A spokesperson for the government's latest lunacy says, 'We just can't have these layabouts ... er ... laying ... er, about.'

Man Dreams Up Kids' TV Show While Doing Hard Hallucinogenic Drugs

New kids TV show, The Jumbly Wumblies, was dreamt up while the creator, Alvin Stubbs, dropped acid.
The show is about big Day-Glo monsters with big frightening teeth and huge floppy ears who like to eat rubbish. They live in a gigantic converted upturned bright pink bathtub on Clapham Common and have a unique way of recycling the rubbish they eat - their huge droppings fertilise the woodland and greenery of the common.






 
 
 
November/December 2001

"I'm Gonna Kick Bin Laden's Ass!" Vows Bush
(RSPCA Outraged!)

George W. Bush, who is President of the United States (no he is, honestly!) has vowed to kick Osama bin Laden's ass when he gets hold of him. The President has been watching old episodes of Kung Fu and Jackie Chan movies and reckons he's going to "Bush-whack" him.
"You folks don't need to ramdoody," he has told the American people recently. "I'm gonna zabonk that whippersnapper!"
An expert in languages at Oxford commented that either the president is talking in a bizarre alien language or he's pissed!
A spokesperson for the RSPCA said, "We knew what he meant really, we were just kidding - it's Christmas, we're a bit merry (hic!)"

Santa's Grotto Was Thought To Be cave Where Bin Laden Is Hiding

Police and army in Coventry surrounded a department store where Osama bin Laden was thought to be hiding. Distraught customers spotted a man in a beard sitting in the store's Christmas grotto and informed the authorities. When police and army moved in, they found a bloke with a beard in a red outfit. But after questioning the man was released without charge.
A police spokesman said, 'This man did have a beard and customers were right to be concerned under the current climate but he turned out to be just the store's Santa Clause.' The spokesman added, 'You can't be too careful, we have to follow up all leads.'

Woman Marries Dalek

A woman has married a Dalek. The marriage has been condemned by her family and outraged public alike. Some have commented that it's unnatural for a woman to have feelings for a machine and what's more it's even more unnatural for a machine to have feelings for a woman!
The gorgeous, buxom, young blonde (21) is keen to point out that she's not just married the Dalek for its wealth of millions of pounds from starring in many episodes of Dr Who.
'I'm not after his money, I've always had a thing for robots, I used to fancy Metal Mickey when I was younger!'

Liam Gallagher Thumped My Hamster

Liam Gallagher has punched an hamster it has been witnessed.
The Oasis singer has since claimed that the hamster in question was taking photos of him. A spokesperson for the little rodent (that's the hamster not Liam) said that it didn't have a camera and even if it did, it wouldn't be capable of taking photos.'
Liam told us, 'I f**king hate hamsters me! They're small and furry, you know what I mean?'

Jonathan King Convicted Of Gross Indecency - Making Crap Records For Decades!

The past had finally caught up with Jonathan King, who was accused and convicted of committing an act of gross indecency on the music industry. Over the years King has inflicted such dire songs on the unsuspecting public as Una Paloma Blanca and even more shocking, some who have heard the records are said to be as young as eleven and twelve years old!






 
July/August 2001

Bart Simpson For President

Bart Simpson has asserted political aspirations and plans to put himself up as a candidate at the next American election.
The yellow, animated brat, is a mischievous, badly behaved, delinquent; making him an ideal candidate for presidency.
Bart believes he can make a difference and stand up for the rights of cartoon characters everywhere: better working conditions; better animation; more things for cartoon characters to do. He feels that animated characters are being misused and their civil liberties being infringed by asking them do menial jobs in the industry.
A number of other cartoon characters have backed Mr Simpson's campaign, including: veterans Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, Shaggy and Scooby from Scooby Doo and Cartman from South Park.
Bart has received enormous support from the American electorate and the feeling in the States is that: we've had an actor for president, why not a cartoon character?

The Hamiltons Sue Everybody In The Whole Wide World!

The Hamiltons have threatened to sue everybody in the whole wide world, unless they leave them alone. They even threatened to sue us if we run this story. As usual the Hamiltons posed for photographers and press outside their Cheshire home and said they didn't wish to comment about this latest incident, as they had a very urgent appointment with a BBC comedy panel show to comment on this latest incident. Then they went back inside their home but not before Mr Hamilton had shown off his juggling skills and Mrs Hamilton had done a turn on the spoons.
Finally after posing for more photographs and doing interviews with TV news programmes, refusing to comment on this latest incident, the couple went inside.
They re-merged for an encore and passed around a cap, which members of the press and news teams proceded to put money in.
Despite the couple's problems, Mrs Hamilton hasn't lost her sense of humour. 'It'll help pay a few legal fees,' she joked as she collected the money.

Jeffrey Archer Tells Truth Shock!

It was found today that banged up ex- Tory chairman and novelist, Lord Archer, had actually told the truth about one incident that wasn't brought up in his recent trial. He had once said that he bought a bunch of bananas from a fruit stall on Kensington market. It was often thought he'd aquired them from a totally different market, where he'd bribed the stall owner to keep quiet about the purchase, in the famous: "cash for bananas" affair. The disgraced Tory party member had in fact been telling the truth all along!

News At Ten To Be Moved Again

News At Ten is to be moved yet again.
The popular news programme is to be moved to a new slot along with all the other news bulletins.
The lunchtime news is to be moved to the 6.30 slot, now occupied by the early evening news. The early evening news will now move to the slot currently occupied by the News At Ten at 10.00. The ten o'clock news moves to its new lunchtime slot of 12.30.

First Nun In Space

A nun is being put into orbit. Sister Amelia Johnson is to be the first holy sister to become an astronaut.
Although there have been questions raised about spending millions of dollars to put a nun into space. However, the scientists at NASA say this will be of enormous benefit to science.
When asked whether she was frightened of being sent up into space, Amelia said, 'No I will have Jesus with me.'
Jesus is the nun's pet cat, who will be accompanying her on the mission.
Sister Amelia has been through rigorous training at NASA for a year for the historic flight.
'I feel like Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon,' she told us and added, 'It's one giant leap for nunkind!'

Music news ...

Seem Like Nice Boyz

A new boy band are taking the pop scene by storm. They're called, Boyz4Men, and they already have many screaming girl fans who worship and adore them, and would do anything to get a date with a member of the band. Which is a bit of a pity as the group are gay! Their biggest hit, Ooh Get You! reached number one, staying there for three weeks but their album, Take It Like a Man, only managed to hold on to No.1 in the album charts for one week (they were knocked off by Elton John).

Eminem: Drugs On Stage Outrage

Pop star Eminen, shocked fans and the British public alike on his recent tour, with reports that he took drugs on stage.
The controversial rapper is rumoured to have openly taken Night Nurse during the performance, and, in fact two of those little plastic cups full; which is more than the recommended dose!
A spokesperson for the jumped up little cretin said that he had a cold and was just taking the medicine to relieve it.
Reports that he was caught backstage with a sachet of Beacham's Powders were unconfirmed.

Phil Collins Wears A Condom

To promote international Use A Condom week, singer Phil Collins is to re-release, Coming In The Air Tonight. The singer says that, 'It's very important to use a condom. I always wear a condom, even when I'm onstage, it gives me protection from diseases like AIDS and VD.'

Those Controversial Eamonem Lyrics In Full

The Controversial rapper Eamonem a.k.a Eamonn Holmes a.k.a Fatboy Fat, has released a new single, Spam. Here we print the shocking lyrics for the first time:

I wrote this letter to you Spam
Because I like you so much
On my sandwiches
In my packed lunch
But just recently you've been dissin' me
Like you're taking the piss of me
You didn't reply to my last note
And it was the best one I ever wrote
Written in crayon, with pictures and stuff
But you probably think, that's not enough
You don't know how much you've hurt me Spam
I think about you all the time
Even when I'm on cam
I used to think
You were real yummy
You gave me a great taste
Down in my tummy
But not anymore
Not when you ignore me
And every morning the postman
Doesn't have any letters for me
Now I hate you Spam
You repulsive, tasteless punk
And that's not Fiona Phillips
Screaming in my trunk
And that's not my producer
Tied up on the back seat
And I'm not going mad
You toady little creep
I used to think you were the best thing
That happened to me ever
But now ... oh well
I don't know, here's the weather!






 
 
 
Scientists Baffled as Woman Grows Penis
A woman who grew a penis overnight has been telling us how doctors and scientists the world over are completely baffled about the growth. 
     'I went to the doctor the day before complaining of pains between my legs,' the woman told us.  'So he had a good look - in fact he had a really good look, not just at my f**ny, but at my whole bodyThen he just prescribed some aspirin.  Next morning I woke up with this damn thing between my legs.'  She went on to add: 'Okay so it's fun now, but what when the novelty wears off?  What then?'
     This is not the first case of unusual growth.  In 1982 a man grew an extra leg overnight.  He still has the leg and is now living in the Isle of Man where he has been made very welcome.

Saddam Hussein Available for Panto This Christmas
The former dictator and all round bad guy is being lined up to play the baddie (what else?) in panto this year, following in the footsteps of many has-been soap stars and the like.
     The has been dictator is likely to draw in record audiences wherever he appears.
     Rumours that Bin Laden is to play a pantomime dame have been found to be completely unfounded. 

Keith Chegwin is a Lesbian Shock
The lovable cheeky chappie presenter has revealed that he is a lesbian.  The shock revelation came as a surprise to all his show business pals who where under the impression that Chegwin was in fact a man, and that he was as straight as a dye.  Apparently not.  It just goes to show that appearances can be deceptive.  'I've always favoured other women,' the star told us, 'men don't do anything for me at all.'

 
 
 
Miracle as Woman Gets Pregnant While on the Pill

The woman, Jade Goody, claims she has become pregnant even though she took the pill.
'I took the pill,' she told us, 'it's that little white round thing isn't it?  The one that says Disprin on the packet?  Is that not them?  I thought they were the pill?  Am I thick?'

Rap Music Encourages Unacceptable Behaviour in young People
Rap music is responsible for unacceptable behaviour in young people.  It causes them to emulate their heroes and resort to such unacceptable activities as: talking in an incomprehensible manner, gesturing with their hands in an odd way, and wearing huge hooded jackets; even in the middle of summer. 
'This is over-exaggerated,' said one community leader, 'I know a lot of young people and some of them dress and act like normal people.'

Men are Luring Youngsters into Chat Rooms to Talk About the Old Days
Men have been getting online and boring young children about the old days. 
'It's awful,' said one mother, 'my son was in a right state after one of these bores talked to him for two hours about how good Status Quo used to be.'  She added: 'When will the government wake up and crack down on these Internet bores?'

News for Squids
Sound waves from television news channels are to be transmitted into the oceans around the world so that squids can hear them.
A leading scientist told us: Squids are more intelligent than we first thought and like to be kept up to date with all the latest news.

 
 
 
Showbiz news
 
Liam Gallagher in Brawl With Tooth Fairy

A tooth fairy is nursing a black eye after being punched in the face by the Oasis star. 
The fairy, Mrs Irene Tinkerbell, said that she'd left two fifty-pence pieces under Liam's pillow in place of the two teeth he had left under it.  But Liam awoke, and when he saw that she'd only left that much he argued with her and said: 'They're worth more than fifty f**king pence each - don't you know who I am!'  He then became aggressive and added: 'If you don't give me more Ill stick you on top of me f**king Christmas tree!'
Mrs Tinkerbell refused to give him any more money so he punched her in the face.

Some Bloke Who Used To Be in Take That Wins Celebrity Big Brother

One of the members of former boy band, Take That, has won Celebrity Big Brother.  It wasn't Robbie or Gary Barlow; it was someone called, Mark Owen, apparently.  Still, at least he was the third most famous member of the band! 
Since leaving take that Mark has been busy ... er ... well he's probably been doing something ... hasn't he?  Must have done something!  We're not sure what though.  Anyway, it was him who won it! 
 
Some Mark Owen facts:
 
Mark Owen is the third most well known member of Take That after Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow.
 
Even though he has long hair and speaks like that, Mark Owen is not actually a girl!
 
Take That were big, and had many hits, but Mark Owen hasn't done much since.
 
Take That once did a single with Lulu, but Lulu has forgotten that there was someone in the band called Mark Owen, even though she remembers Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow.
 
Lets face it, Mark Owen was only in Celebrity Big Brother because, first Robbie, then Gary, turned it down!
 
 

 
Paedophiles to Have Musical Alarms Strapped to Their Genitals 

Paedophiles are to have special musical alarms attached to their genitals, the home secretary is expected to announce later this month. When the offender goes near a child and becomes aroused, the alarm will begin to play the Charles Aznavor favourite, Thank Heavens for Little Girls, thus alerting the child and its parents to the fact that a child abuser is nearby.

Showbusiness news ...
 
Richard and Judy are not Real

'They're just a figment of your imagination,' says a leading psychiatrist.  'You think you deserve to watch that crap on TV, so you imagine you're seeing it, whereas what's actually taking place on your television is a though-provoking chat show, and not the inane dribble you're actually watching!' 
'I had no idea,' said Richard Madeley, when asked about the claim.  Judy Finnigan was unavailable for comment - as she's a figment of your imagination, stupid!

Michael Barrymore May Appear on Television Again, After All! 

It is thought that if a programme called, I'm An Unfunny, Has-Been, Homosexual, John Cleese Impersonator, Get Me Out Of Here, is ever made, that Barrymore has every chance of staring in it!

Katie Derham to Read News Nude for Charity! 

The sexy newsreader may get her kit off and read the news without a stitch of clothing onI heard it in my head as I fantasised about it!!

 

 

Showbusiness news

Chris Evans Makes a Return to Television

Chris Evans has made a return to television.  His remote control for his TV wouldn't work and he couldn't get wife, Billie, to switch channels for him, despite repeatedly saying, "Hey woman bitch, go over to the television and switch it over."  So he had to get up and walk over to the set.

 Sophie Ellis-Bextor Can Recieve Satelitte Channels in her Brain!
"I Was Right," says Robbie 

When Robbie Williams said that singing star Sophie Eliis-Bextor had a face like a satellite dish, it seems he indivertibly hit the nail right on the head!  Sophie Ellis-Bextor's face is in fact a satellite dish!  And, she admitted recently that she's been picking up satellite channels for years - completely free of charge!  Both cable and satellite companies are angry that the star is picking up their services for free and are trying to find some kind of way in which they can charge her.

 Christopher Reeve Does "Wheelies" for Charity

The crippled, wheelchair-bound, Superman actor has done sponsored wheelies for a charity which helps celebrities overcome their difficulties (i.e. Harrison Ford's bad acting!)  The star managed a 101 wheelies in his chair; impressing everyone gathered there, including Robin Williams who told us, "He's amazing, I could never have managed 101 wheelies and I'm normal!"

Why Jamie Oliver's Such a Nob

He just is!

Some Jamie facts:

He's a nob!

Jamie has his own TV cooking show called The Naked Chef - fortunately he's never appeared naked on it!

When asked once what he thought of legendary TV cooks Delia Smith and Fanny Cradock, he replied, "I've had Delia round for dinner, but I never had Fanny!"

He's always calling everything "pukka", we wouldn't describe Jamie as pukka, but the word we'd describe him with sounds like it.

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Showbusiness news
 
Robbie Williams Sings Pavarotti 

After his shot at Sinatra, the cheeky pop star is turning his hand to the classics and attempting an album of Pavarotti covers!  "Just because I'm not as fat as Pava, doesn't mean I cant sing opera," the cheeky star told us.  "I've been having my voice trained for weeks now and eating lots of pasta in the hope that some Italian would rub off on me.  And now, not only can I sing as good as old fatty, but I think I sound better than him!"  The star is going to call his tribute, Lend Us A Tenor.

David Jason Buys Some Milk 

David Jason, star of Frost and Only Fools and Horses, popped out for some milk the other day in full view of ordinary members of the public.  One of our spies also witnessed the incident.  The actor, he says, came out of his house, walked down the street, crossed the road and went into the local corner shop.  He re-appeared some moments later holding a carton of milk!  An eyewitness, Mr Arthur Green, who had also actually witnessed the purchase inside the shop, told us, "He's just like one of us!"

Ronan Keating in "Unsightly Spot" Trauma 

Here's something that all you young ladies might not want to know.  Singing star, Ronan Keating, got a spot on the end of his nose the other day - it just appeared overnight!  His concert was almost cancelled due to the fact that, seeing the star with an unsightly acne spot on the end of his nose, might cause some of his female fans distress.  However a team of makeup artists laboured all day and managed to cover up the blemish.  The concert went ahead and the spot went unnoticed.  Phew!

Some Ronan facts: 

Ronan has two parents - one of each sex. 

Despite his fame, Ronan likes to live a normal life and is just like you or I - except for the fact that he's got stacks of cash and lives in a mansion! 

Ronan was one of the members of Boyzone, which is the only boy band ever to have a member who is gay - ha! who are we trying to kid?! 

One of the members of Boyzone died and was replaced by a cardboard cut-out of the deceased boy band member and no one even noticed! 

Ronan manages Westlife, who have had lot of hits in their own right, which has nothing to do with the fact that Ronan is their manager and is a star.  Although it would have bloody helped wouldn't it - what a fucking gimmick!

 
 
 
 
 
 
Coldplay Fan Discovered to be Happy Go Lucky Chap

A fan of the indie band, Coldplay, who've had hits with songs such as, Yellow, has been found to be happy, cheerful and even "a bit of a laugh" and not some miserable git wallowing in self pity as the group's music would suggest!
The fan is said to be of a very cheerful disposition, has an active social life, with lots of friends and is reported to be a "party animal"!
A spokesman for Coldplay's record company said, 'This is obviously an anomaly, we are very shocked!'

Showbiz news ...

Posh Has Head Pierced

Victoria Beckham has had her head pierced with an inch thick metal ring. Even though the piercing went straight through the centre of her head, it has not punctured her brain (as her brain only occupies 10% of her skull!)
'It's a fashion statement,' she told us. 'I'm stating - through having this fashion accessory - just how much of a brain I have by doing something stupid like this.'
A leading doctor told us, that if the piercing had entered her brain, no damage would have occurred - well at least no one would have noticed any difference!

Rod Stewart Scratches His Arse

'It was itchy,' says the star.
Rod Stewart, the singer who's had hits such as, Sailing, and, Do You Think Im Sexy, scratched his arse in public recently.
The star says he didn't mean to cause offence but he just, 'Had one of those itches - you know, one that gives you great relief when you give it a good scratching.'
When asked if it will inspire another hit song the singer added, 'Don't be stupid, my next single's called, Itchy Knackers!'

Elton John Entertains Marines

Elton John has entertained some marines. But what the singer gets up to in the privacy of his mansion is his business!

Drew Barrymore Gets Un-hitched Again

Hollywood actress, Drew Barrymore, is to get divorced again. The star of Charlie's Angels and her recent film Riding In Cars With Boys, first got married at the tender age of just 7; just after filming ET, to a plastic replica of the extra-terrestrial lifeform. 'I just fell in love with it while filming and just had to marry him,' the youngster said at the time. The marriage ended in a messy divorce some weeks later, when the star accused her plastic alien hubby of giving a big wet kiss to one of the floosies in the star's elementary school class.
It would be two years before the star would re-marry - this time to the cat, Burt, she co-starred with in the film Cat's Eye. 'I just fell in love with it while filming and just had to marry him,' she was reported as saying.
Again the marriage didn't last long, when Drew wouldn't put up with the cat's constant meowing. The couple got divorced a week later.
She married again in 1992 to some bloke she met at a Burger King that afternoon. They were divorced by early evening. 'I just fell in love with him while eating, and just had to marry him but we didn't get on,' she said after the split.
The star married again a year later to someone she passed in the street one day. 'I fell in love with him while passing him on the sidewalk and just had to marry him,' she said at the time. The couple got divorced almost immediately.
Of this latest divorce the star commented, 'I just fell out of love with him while filming and just had to divorce him.'

Some Drew facts ...

Drew Barrymore began acting while still a foetus in her mother's womb. Her first taste of fame being in the Gagoo baby food ads, catchphrase: 'Gagoo - so tasty, the foetus just can't wait to get out of the womb to try it!'

Young baby Drew's first words were, 'Hey, anyone got a joint?' Closely followed by her second sentence, 'Well how about some Budweiser then?'

Drew wrote her autobiography, Pissed, Stoned And Out Of My Tiny Head, at the age of just 2 years old.

Drew started drinking at the age of 9 and didn't stop drinking until she was 14 - imagine the hangover!

The star once appeared nude in Gardening Monthly magazine; posing while pruning a shrubbery - you should have seen her bush!

Drew once flashed her breasts to David Letterman on his show - reports that she showed him her pussy later backstage where unfounded. 'I don't own a cat,' the star said.



Tony Blair In Talks With President

Tony Blair has been to Washington for talks with President Bush.
They covered many different topics of conversation, including what each other's favourite films were and what music they liked. Later Mr Bush put on a Limp Bizkit CD and the two men played air guitar together, jumping around the Oval office. Sadly they didn't get round to talking about the war against Afghanistan but the two men did manage to find time to swap a few recipes.
After the talks Mr Blair commented, "Mr Bush has given me this great recipe for rattatui, can't wait to get back to England and try it!"

Topless Models Are People Too!

Jordan has hit out at critics who say that topless models are not that bright.
"All people are interested in is my tits," says the model, who has had three boob jobs to enhance her bosom. "No one's interested in my intellect or my views on the war in Afghanistan."
When we asked her about her views on the war, she repiled, "Er ... I dunno ... well I don't know do I? I was just using that as an example. Shall I get my tits out now for your photo?"

Man Gets Bionic Penis After Trapping It In Zip

A man who got a bionic penis after trapping his own in his flies, has been telling of how happy he is with his new organ.
'I can pee over the wall of the boys toilets at my lad's school now! Something I could never do when I was actually at school. The power is amazing!'
He's not the only one who is happy about his new improved manhood. His wife has expressed how much her husband has improved in the bedroom department since the op.
'It's much bigger than his old one and much more powerful!' she told us.
When asked how she felt after a recent session with hubby, she commented, 'I'm shagged out!'

Charlotte Church Calls New York Firefighters, "A Bunch Of F**king Softies."

In a recent interview with the Sunday Times, the 15 yr-old singer, Charlotte Church, outraged readers by branding New York firefighters "sissies" and "softies".
She went on to say, 'I am an incredibly talented, gifted singer and I have to undertake gruelling tours and recording schedules, but you never hear me complaining.'
She added, 'New Yorkers are a bunch of whinging w**nkers, they get on my f**king tits!'
A spokesperson for the spoilt little brat said that she was mis-quoted and that she apologises to anyone who were offended by Her Royal Highness Miss Goody Two Shoes.

Michael Barrymore Shocking Revelation:
"I Am A Teetotal, Heterosexual, Funnyman!"

Entertainer, Michael Barrymore, has made the amazing claim that he is a heterosexual, teetotal, funnyman!
We believe that the troubled TV star is teetotal and heterosexual but we find the claim that he is a funnyman a bit far-fetched!

Posh And Becks In No News Shock!

We regret to inform you that we have no news report about David and Victoria Beckham. He hasn't done anything silly to his hair and she hasn't had anything pierced recently!



Diana's Butler Had Crown Jewels In Attic

Paul Burrell, former butler to Princess Di, is under investigation for theft.
When police looked in his attic they found, amongst other things: most of the crown jewels, three grenadier guards, two of the Queen's corgis, one of the Queen Mum's hip replacements (which probably explains why she's been walking a bit lopsided recently) and a Marilyn Manson CD said to belong to Prince William.
When questioned about the items, Mr Durrell told police, 'I bought them all at a car boot sale.'
The investigation continues.

Paul Daniels In Black Magic Orgies Claim

Fans of the magician Paul Daniels will like it, not a lot, when they hear this report claiming that the receding headed one has been involved in black magic rituals with his wife, Debbie McGee, and other members of the magic profession such as Ali Bongo.
Reports of black masses and dancing naked under a full moon have shocked other showbusiness colleagues. Cilla Black has been quoted as saying that, 'I have known Paul and Debbie for years and they never once asked me to dance naked with them or slit the throat of a goat or anything like that.'
The couple are rumoured to be members of an order called, The Black Magic Circle, and are believed to hold their ceremonies every second full moon on Hampstead Heath.
Even more disturbing is reports that virgins have been sacrificed to Lucifer. Mr Daniels has viciously denied these rumours, saying, 'I've never sacrificed a virgin on an altar in my life. I've bought an altar from a virgin and sacrificed a hundred quid though, boom boom!'

Cherie Blair Ate My Hamster

Cherie Blair, wife of Prime Minister, Tony Blair, ate an hamster, according to Gavin Sturgess, a welder from Sussex.
He says he was showing the barrister the hamster at a best pets show she was judging, when she held it up, opened her mouth wide and ate it, in one gulp. 'It was just like that woman, Diane in that old science fiction series, V,' he says.
Asked if he'd been drinking or doing hard hallucinogenic drugs, Mr Sturgess swore that he hadn't.
When asked about the incident, Mrs Blair told us, 'I have never eaten a whole hamster in my life, mice yes, but the fur gets stuck in your teeth; it's a real bummer!'

New Alder Hey Organ Scandal

An organ scandal at the Alder Hey hospital in Liverpool has shocked the nation. A second-hand Yamaha keyboard was found in one of the locked storage rooms. It was discovered that some of the doctors and nurses had been getting together and actually playing tunes on it, when they should have been tending to sick children. The organ was purchased by one of the doctors, who will remain anonymous. It was he who encouraged the others. One of the accused, who shall also remain anonymous, told us, 'I just couldn't resist nipping to the room to belt out, Knees Up Grandma Brown, on the organ. It was the only tune we'd learned, but given time, if they hadn't have stopped us, we could have gone on to learn, She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain, and even, when we got really good, Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree. That's my favourite, I've always wanted to be able to play that, but I'll never get the chance to now. When will the medical authorities understand that nurses are people too and that, with the busy twelve hour shifts, you need to let yourself go with the doctor's organ.'

Government Slams Lazy Nurses

The goverment have attacked nurses for being lazy.
The goverment have said that nurses laze around all day working 12 hour shifts, lounging around in wards, tending to the sick and changing bedpans, while ordinary decent people are working hard running the country.

News From the film world ...

The Spoons Are Out

Actors Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman have announced that, following their much-publicised divorce, and the attempt to split their joint fortune, they have successfully divided the cutlery.
Nicole gets most of the silverware: knives, forks, etc and Tom gets the spoons.
Tom has commented, 'Spoons are cool but I would have liked the forks too.'

Tarantino Comes Out With All Nuns Blazing

Quentin Tarantino is to direct a remake of The Sound Of Music. The director of such violent films as Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction says, 'We're gonna give the nuns machine guns to blow those motherf**king Germans away!'

Steven Spielberg Makes Even More Money

Hollywood film director Steven Spielberg is expected to make even more money with his new blockbuster epic.
Says the director, 'I could sit at home now and do nothing. I don't need to. But it's the love of it that keeps me making more movies; it's the love of making even more money!'