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Your Bananas TV listings guide ...

* programmes may vary in the event of some big celebrity dying this month - in which case your programme schedule is fucked!


2.30 Toad Snogging From Cheltenham
Toad Snogging athletes from all over the country compete to win the coveted Toad Snogging Cup at the finals this summer.

7.30 Only Clapped Out Sitcom That the BBC Milk for all it's Worth Year After Year
Del Boy shoots Rodders in the backside accidently but cheers up his brother with his impressions of ITV's Jack Frost, complete with grey wig and mustache.

9.00 The News for People who Watch the Television Sitting Upside Down
Special upside down version of the news.

9.30 Celebrity Plop Pants
Celebrity contestants have to guess which famous mystery celebrity has worn a pair of underpants just by studying the shit stains.

12.45 News for the Dead
Special version of the news for people who are dead.

1.30 News for People who Have a Slim Chance of Making it Through the Night
The news read very thoughtfully and sympathetically, complete with last rites and weather.

5.30 The Weakest Link
Quiz where the contestants are insulted by the presenter and humiliated, oh yes please mistress, walk all over my naked body in stilettos, make me suffer! Anne Robinson asks the questions in this popular show and comes on all mean and I get a stiffy!

anne robinson

(Nazi bitch - Anne Robinson 5.30)

8.30 The Naked Mortician
Jamie Cadaver prepares another corpse for burial.


6.00am-8.00pm The Simpsons
The channel milks their most popular programme for all it's worth.

8.00 Morecambe Bay Watch
A shark attacks a pensioner while bathing in the bay.
Pamela Accrington plays the lifeguard who runs in slow motion a lot with her breasts bouncing up and down showing off her latest boob job.

10.00 Jerry Springer
This month's topics:
My mother is a werewolf and the illegitimate daughter of Satan and is dating someone half her age.
My son bites the heads off rats then pukes them over his grandmother.
I married an alien with a 9-inch long green penis and I'm very happy.
I get off on going on live TV and having my problems aired in front of the viewing public.

11.00 Married with Disfunctional Children
Teenage daughter Kimmy is sleeping with her teacher. Teenage son Pud is hooked on heroin. Husband Kal is having it away with a woman from work.  Wife Wendy is having it away with the family's pet dog.


5.30 You've Been Maimed
More painful home videos introduced by the painful Lisa Riley.

5.45 People Have the Stupidest Accidents
More painful TV introduced by Lisa Riley.

people have the stupidest accidents

(Oops butterfingers! She should have been more careful with that very sharp kitchen knife! - People Have the Stupidest Accidents 6.00)

6.00 People are the Stupidest Accidents
Lisa Riley, again!

6.15 People Watch the Stupidest Things
No, not again!!!

6.30 Whatever Happened to Jeremy Beadle Didn't he Used to Present Crap Like This?
Lisa Riley searches for Jeremy Beadle; the former presenter of You've Been Framed using old television clips of the star.

7.00 Blind Drunk
A male contestant out on the piss down the pub, tries to drunkenly chat up a selection of three female contestants; in the hope that he'll pull and get to go back to their place for a session.

7.30 Some Soap - Either Emmerdale or Coronation Street, it Could be EastEnders, They all Look the Bloody Same to me!
Emily Bishop takes in a toy boy lodger who shags her senseless every night after cocoa. Meanwhile Gail Platt's head explodes!

9.00 Axe Murderers Caught on Camera
Those bloody moments captured on film.

9.30 Tarrant on TV
Popular TV presenter introduces hilarious clips from around the cutting room floor.

10.00 Tarrant on TV Again!
More bloody Tarrant and more bloody clips!

10.30 Tarrant on TV all the Bloody Time!!!
Chris Tarrant takes a look at the funniest moments from Who Wants to be a Millionaire and Tarrant on TV

11.00 Barrymore Pool Party
Celebrities party besides Barrymore's pool at their own risk; while the outrageous star parades around dressed in a bikini and gets laughs doing everything John Cleese did 30 years ago.

11.30 FILM: Die Hard At It (1990) Starring Brute Willy and Fanny Widennopen.
Exploitation film with lots of sex and violence. Guns, blood, sex and vomit - you can't beat it!

12.30 Prisoner Writer's Block H (some regions)
More clit rubbing within the walls of the women's prison in this ancient Austrailian soap.


4.15 Countdown
Student types favourite, who watch the show in the hope that Carol Vorderman will spell out TWAT with the letters. Which never happens, cos if it does it's edited out. Richard Whitely comes on to Carol Vorderman, but Carol is much too highly paid to let him shaft her.

9.00 Imported American Sitcom
Some American sitcom we import cos it's cheaper than making them ourselves and they're much better than the crap we can come up with.

10.30 So Graham Norton is Gay? 
So What, Doesn't Mean he's Funny! This episode's guests: John Inman, Michael Barrymore and Julian Clary.

11.30 Tits Everywhere!
Women get their tits out for no apparent reason to satisfy late night Channel 4 viewers. Also includes hardcore lesbian action!


6.00 Fort Boyard  Challenge game show starring Melinda Messenger's boobs and that bloke who used to be Dirty Den in EastEnders

melinda messenger

(Melinder Messenger's boobs in Fort Boyard 6.00)

10.30 Nurses Drop 'Em
Some old seventies porn flick that's dated and isn't very "porn" anymore. Featuring loads of stars that are now famous British TV actors who find these sort of films very embarrassing. Can you believe Thora Hird even turns up as a nymphomaniac Sister and sheds a whole new light on her "stairlift" adverts!


6.30 Zzzzz Cars
Tedious police series from the seventies that was just as tedious even then!


12.30 Some Old Australian Soap That Was Popular Centuries Ago
Sheila is worried about Bruce finding out about her affair with Skippy. She doesn't know which is worse: her betrayal of her husband or the fact that Skippy is a bush kangaroo and bestiality is illegal.
Elsewhere, Matilda goes out waltzing and breaks her bloody neck!


2.00 Hide the Chainsaw I'm Having my Period!
Advice on how to avoid murdering your nearest and dearest at that difficult time of the month.