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Your Bananas TV guide for the month ahead ...

About our star ratings: You'll probably be wondering why you see a number of stars below each programme listing.  These are star ratings - how good we rate the show in question.  For instance if you see * (one star) it isn't that great a programme and it probably isn't worth your while tuning in.  On the other hand if you see ***** (five stars) it's a fantastic must-see show and you'd be an arsehole to miss it!  If you see *** (three stars) it's somewhere in-between good and not so good, sort of average.  If you see ************ (a number of stars) it means we're really wetting ourselves over this programme!!!  Or if you see ********************************* (more stars than you can possibly count) it means we've gone slightly mad and have completely over-rated the show in question (or we've been paid large sums of money to endorse it).  So that's it, our star system.  Happy viewing!

BBC2 Monday 18th November 
8.00  Hey You!  Yes You!  Why Don't You Watch This Fucking Programme!  We Didn't Make it For the Good of Our Health You Know! 
So watch it, you ungrateful bum-licking arsehole!  Aw, go on, please!  Pretty please with sugar on top! 
Oh well fuck off then!

why don't you fucking look at this picture!!!

(Why don't you look at this fucking picture, it's a fucking duck isn't it, it's part of our fucking programme!!)
ITV1 Wednesday 20th November 
7.30  Carol Fucking Vorderman Again! 
Yes she's on again.  More dribble with celebrity guests that don't do much these days, so they get to be on this.
ITV1 Friday 29th November
3.30  Through the Bumhole 
Celebrity contestants have to guess the identity of mystery celebrity guests by looking only at their bare bottom.  Lloyd Grossman examines the buns and asks the question, 'Who would have an arse like this?'
CH5 Friday 29th November
 11.30  Film:  Titty Titty, Bang Bang 
New adult version of the old classic children's film.  Starring Lindsey Dawn McKenzie.

Saturday 30th November
9.00  Shut Up You Bloody Kids! 
Early Saturday morning kids show with a difference, hosted by a presenter who hates kids and makes them sit in silence until the end of the programme.
BBC1 Friday 6th December 
4.45  Sam the Magic Penis 
New animated children's series featuring a magical, flying, talking penis character, voiced by Hugh Grant.

two animated chums

(Two young chums have fun with folded paper Sam the Magic Penis's in Sam the Magic Penis)
CH4 Monday 9th December
11.00  Plop On my Face, I Love it! 
New Channel Four pervy sex series exploring sexual perversions of all types.  Featuring a man who had himself nailed to a tree for sexual gratification and a woman who makes men watch You've Been Framed with Lisa Riley as a punishment.
CH4 Thursday 12th December
10.00  Film: A Clockwork Orang-a-Tang 
Banned for years by its director, this film is shown for the first time on terrestrial television.  Alex and his boogies (slang) commit violent crimes, until they get caught by the goolies (slang) and Alex is subjected to correctional treatment.  He has his bodangles (slang) electrocuted and his noodle (slang) pulled and stretched.  Later he is released back into society completely rehabilitated. 
Still packs a punch, even now, but is still utter poopdollop (slang) even now!

Cable, digital and satelitte throughout the coming month
6.00am - 12.00pm  The Shoplifting Channel 
See what's worth nicking in the high street stores.  If you see anything you like, we tell you the best ways of lifting it from the shop.
Special guest presenter later in the month: Winona Ryder.
9.00am - 2.00am  Men & Knockers 

Cindi Boobjob

(Cindi Boobjob gets her silicon out on Men & Knockers)
Nude Boxing 
Nude Dominoes 
Nude Snakes and Ladders 
Nude Tiddlywinks 
Nude Nudie Tits 
More Nude Nudie Tits 
Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits and More Tits!