|
|
November 2002
The Political Interview:
George W. Bush
Well George W Bush, can we just begin by asking you what the "W" actually stands for in your name. There's a lot of people in Britain think it stands for "Wanker".
Wanker? That's an unusual word, what does it mean?
Oh it means ... er ... "a leader", it's a British expression meaning "leader" or a "great leader"!
Oh really, and the British have that much respect for me? They think I'm a great wanker?
Yes they do sir.
Oh no need to call me "sir" - just George W Bush will do.
Can't I just call you George?
No let's keep it formal.
Well George W Bush, if I can just get back to my original question, what does the "W" stand for?
Well I like to think it stands for "World leader".
Yes, but what does it actually stand for?
Well ... promise you'll just keep it between us two?
Yes, I promise.
Well, it stands for ... er ... "Widgy".
Widgy?
Ssh, now can we get on with the interview?
Well, Mr Bush -
Ahem ... "George W Bush".
May 2002
Question Time
A recent criticism that the political debate programme, Question Time, is getting trivial, with the audience asking politicians about trivial matters instead of real politics, was recently underlined when the following debate occurred:
Member of the audience: Does the panel prefer bourbons or custard creams?
David Dimbleby: Does the panel prefer bourbons or custard creams, Tony Blair?
Tony Blair: Well, in our household Cheri likes the custard creams (laughter from audience) however I like neither - I prefer Nice biscuits
CHARLES Kennedy: Oh come now, you can't be serious, surely in Britain today the common man, living in a two up, two down, detached in Surrey, prefers custard creams!
Iain Duncan-Smith: I agree with Tony, I love Nice biscuits.
Tony Blair: You know the ones I like, the ones with pink icing and white stripes, or the round ones with jam in the middle, mmmmm!
April 2002
The Political Interview:
Iain Duncan-Smith
BANANAS: How are you going to lead the Conservative Party differently from previous leaders?
SMITH: I'm going to lead from the back.
BANANAS: I'm sorry?
SMITH: I'm going to stand at the back and let them get on with it and not get in anybodys way.
BANANAS: But that's not leading is it, really?
SMITH: I intend to run things very differently from previous so-called leaders; they interfere too much and don't listen to what anyone else has to say. Margaret Thatcher she didn't listen, stupid bitch, and look what happened to her!
BANANAS: She led the county for ten years!
SMITH: I know, it's too long. If elected I intend to run the country for one week, sitting at the back, and trying not to make too much of a nuisance of myself.
BANANAS: So the Iron Lady's not an influence then, unlike most Conservative leaders?
SMITH: What's my ironing lady got to do with it?
BANANAS: No the Iron lady, Mrs Thatcher
SMITH: Oh her, I've got nothing against the mad old bird. And, I wouldn't mind, eh!
BANANAS: Wouldn't mind what?
SMITH: Oh come on, you know she's a looker!
BANANAS: Margaret Thatcher a looker?
SMITH: Yes, don't you think?
January 2002
Gordon Brown Discusses His TWAT BANANAS:What exactly is TWAT?
BROWN:You've heard of VAT? Well I hope to introduce a new tax that will help generate much needed revenue for hospitals and schools. TWAT stands for Triple Whopper Added Tax!
BANANAS:But the general public already perceive you as a tight-fisted meanie; what do you say to people who say that you are tight?
BROWN:Ah you're being racist now, calling me Scottish.
BANANAS:I didn't say you were Scottish, I said you were tight!
BROWN:You'll be saying I drink whisky next.
BANANAS:Do you drink whisky?
BROWN:Yes, gallons of it, but that's beside the point.
BANANAS:Tell us more about your TWAT.
BROWN:Would you like to see a list of my proposals for it?
BANANAS:I'd love to see your TWAT Mr Brown.
BROWN:Well tough, I'm not showing my TWAT to anyone until all the wrinkles have been ironed out. It's still very much in the planning stages; and after all, you wouldn't show me your list of questions you are going to ask me beforehand would you?
BANANAS:If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.
BROWN:As I've said ...
November/December 2001 John "two Jags" Prescott PRESCOTT:I wish they'd stop.
BANANAS:Stop what?
PRESCOTT:Stop going on about all this two Jags business, it's all everyone ever talks about. 'He's got two Jags,' they say. Big deal!
BANANAS:Well it is a big deal for some people. Most people can't even afford one Jag let alone two.
PRESCOTT:In Labour Britain there's no reason why everyone can't afford two jags. That's what socialism's all about. I bet Lenin had two Jags!
BANANAS:I don't think that's true. And why do you need two Jags anyway?
PRESCOTT:One to go to the function and the other to journey back in.
BANANAS:Wouldn't it be simpler to use just one car to go both to and from the function in?
PRESCOTT:Now that would just be silly!
BANANAS:Why's that?
PRESCOTT:Well this way I'm saving the British public money.
BANANAS:How do you make that out?
PRESCOTT:Well let's not forget that my petrol expenses come from the taxpayer - this way I only use half as much petrol in each car!
BANANAS:What about you - earlier in the year - parking in a space reserved for the disabled?
PRESCOTT:See there you go again!
BANANAS:What?
PRESCOTT:Having a go at me.
July/August 2001
Post Election Round-up The general election already seems like three months ago. A distant political memory: the jubilation long since faded and Blair's government now gets back to the job of running the country.
We interviewed the political heavyweight, we also talked to ... er ... political top-heavy weight, Jordan, about her big political aspirations. The Blair Facts Tony Blair is fed up.
'I'm fed up,' he told us. Then went on to say what a bunch of whinging tosspots we all are for moaning about the state of the country under Labour (those weren't his exact words but that's roughly what he said).
Tony Blair is sick and tired.
'I'm sick and tired,' he told us, 'of people moaning and whinging that we haven't done anything about this, that or the other.'
Tony Blair is pissed off.
'I'm pissed off,' he told us. 'Pissed off with it, totally!' Tony Blair is walking around with a banana strapped to his head most of these days.
'I'm walking around with a banana strapped to my head most of these days.'
Are you?
'Well, no, but ...'
But what? Have you took it off?
Tony Blair has taken the banana off his head.
'I've taken ... ah, now you're putting words into my mouth, you bastards!'
The Jordan Interview
We take a look at Jordan's policies ... This last election Jordan stood up for election. I've stood up for Jordan many times, but that's between me and my trousers.
We take a look at the woman, her politics and her enormous mammaries! She has bigger boobs than Blair, Hague and Kennedy put together, and this last election saw her busting forth as a major political force to be reckoned with!
BANANAS:What are your policies?
JORDAN:My policies? Just two.
BANANAS:Why would people vote for you?
JORDAN:I've got fantastic boobs!
BANANAS:So voters would elect you just on that score?
JORDAN:Men want to score with me, so they'll vote, tee hee.
BANANAS:Where do you stand on Iraq?
JORDAN:That Saddam Hussein is a bad and wicked man. And all the women in those type of countries are covered up. If I'm elected I would liberate all the women of them oppressed countries. They should get their tits out!
BANANAS:If you're elected will it interfere with your modelling work?
JORDAN:Can we just stick to politics?
BANANAS:So how many boob jobs have you had done?
JORDAN:Three, at last count, but I'm not very good at maths, so it could be more.
BANANAS:You're not very good at maths? Something you have in common with some politicians then!
JORDAN:Is it? Oh wow! I really am a proper politician then!
BANANAS:So what were your promises if elected?
JORDAN:I promised every man who said he'll vote for me that he could feel my tits. |
|
|
|
|
|
Well George W Bush ... but what does it actually mean?
What?
Widgy?
Ssh, I don't want it getting around.
Aw please, tell me.
Alright then, it's what my wife calls it during our more intimate moments.
Calls what?
You know - "it"!
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
MY DICK!!!
Oh I see.
Now can you get on with the interview?
No, I think we have everything we need now, thank you.
|
| David Dimbleby - remaining politically un-biased about his favourite biccies! |
IAIN DUNCAN-SMITH: Oh yes, I like those too.
DAVID DIMBLEBY I think we're straying away from the issue here, the question was: does the panel prefer bourbon or custard creams, let's just stick to the issue and maybe we could discuss those scrumptious pink icing ones at a later date. Next question please (looks to audience and points) from the lady there with a dead albatross strapped to her head.
Lady with dead albatross strapped to her head: I would like to ask the panel whether they prefer salt and vinegar flavoured crisps or cheese and onion?
David Dimbleby: I'm sorry we only want questions on politics, next question.
BANANAS: I've never really seen her in that way.
SMITH: Oh I have, all the time!
BANANAS: Can we ... er ... get back to politics?
SMITH: No, I want to talk about sexy Maggie! She's still got a fantastic pair! Alright, gravity's kicked in a bit, but I still wouldn't mind having a good long suck at her nipples, mmm! (makes sucking noise with mouth).
BANANAS: If we can ... er ... move on. Do you think you have any chance of winning the next election?
SMITH: Absolutely bugger all chance of winning, haven't you seen the dickheads we've got in the party?
BANANAS: Well yes, but ...
SMITH: Well there you are then. I'll just sit at the back and watch those buffoons make arseholes of themselves - and daydream about shafting Maggie one day when I get her alone and Dennis isn't around.
BANANAS: Er ... Iain Duncan-Smith, thank you very much.
SMITH: I've enjoyed our time together, big boy!
BANANAS: Oh, brother.
BANANAS:You're not going to show me it are you and the reason you don't want to show me it is because it's a completely unworkable tax, that would leave the country in a worse state financially than it already is. Isn't that the truth Mr Brown?
BROWN:That's absolute rubbish, my TWAT is very workable.
BANANAS:There's lot of people in your own party who say that your TWAT is as tight as you are.
BROWN:You're calling me Scottish again.
BANANAS:And a lot of people say you've already over-taxed the British public.
BROWN:The British public are always moaning about paying tax.
BANANAS:Yes, probably because they're always being over-taxed!
BROWN:The way I see it, is this: if you want to generate more funds for the National Health Service and schools, you can't lick my TWAT.
BANANAS:Well you parked in a space reserved for the disabled, now you know you're not supposed to do that don't you Mr Prescott?
PRESCOTT:Ah, well, I was disabled on that day.
BANANAS:How do you make that out?
PRESCOTT:I stubbed my toe. You should have seen the bruise. It hurt like buggery! Did you not notice me limping?
BANANAS:I didn't notice any limp.
PRESCOTT:I was definitely limping.
BANANAS:But you still didn't have a disabled badge.
PRESCOTT:I hardly had time to get a badge now did I, you barmpot!
BANANAS:I suppose not.
PRESCOTT:Well there you are then.
BANANAS:John Prescott, you're an idiot.
PRESCOTT:It's been a pleasure.
 What about the election this year?
'No time for an erection this year, Cherie's had to go without for yonks now.'
No I said "election".
'Oh, yes, the election, sorry, it was great, yes. We won again you know!'
You've not done most of the things that you promised four years ago.
'Ah yes, but we are trying very, very hard; I cannot stress this enough.'
But not hard enough.
'You mean not harder than the stiffy I used to get when I had time for one?'
Oh come on now, stop trying to avoid the question by making cheap quips.
'I'm not, just a bit of light relief, you know?'
You sound like you could do with that.
'I'll get Cheri to suck me off when I get back ... er ... you're not going to write that are you?'
No we won't write that.
'Honest?'
Honest injun!
(Jordan demonstrates her commitment to the National Health Service by dressing up as a nurse)
BANANAS:So you've been very busy since the election?
JORDAN:Yes, very. Cos with some of them I promised more.
BANANAS:Like what?
JORDAN:Like sex.
BANANAS:You promised sex with men who've said they'd vote for you, if you were elected?
JORDAN:Some of them.
BANANAS:How many?
JORDAN:Oh ... hundreds!
BANANAS:That many?
JORDAN:Well I don't really know cos as I've said, I'm not very good at maths, but they keep knocking at my door and saying they voted for me.
BANANAS:Er ... I voted for you.
JORDAN:Oh did you, that's sweet.
BANANAS:Yeah, I really admire your policies! |
|
|
