Dr Mal's Health Probe
Dr Mal is a doctor. Of what we're not quite sure. But he is an expert on all areas of health and medicine, apparantly, at least that's what he tells us.
You know there is nothing better than looking at a nice big pair of breasts (apart from sticking your head between them that is!) But breasts have a more practical purpose than just appearing on Page 3 of The Sun for us men to have wanks over (even though that would be sufficient purpose enough!)
This month I probe breasts, and this is a subject that I really have a feel for, I can tell you!
As you probably know already those wonderful objects growing out of the chest area of a woman are breasts. They're also know as: tits, knockers, baps, boobs, fun bags and hooters. In the words of indie band Cornershop, "Everyone needs a bosom for a pillow" and they're not wrong! Everyone also needs a bosom for squeezing, licking, sucking and fucking. Incidentally, it is a little-known fact that tit-fucking is a national sport in New Zealand. We may even see it as an Olympic sport one day (though I doubt it - those Olympic people are a bit stuffy about things like that.)
Did you know that if you get two pink blancmanges next to each other and place a cherry on top of each, they bear an uncanny resemblance to a pair of breasts?!
Every woman has breasts - apart from maybe Kate Moss that is. Even some men have breasts!!
Women keep their breasts in bras, which are like slings that you put on a broken arm, only you put tits in them. Some women wear padded bras and wonderbras to make them look bigger.
Did you know that breasts can also be used for feeding babies? Lucky babies - that's what I say!! Yes, tits fill up with milk when the woman is pregnant. If they squeeze their nipples they can squirt milk out. Aren't tits fun!! The world record for the furthest a woman has squirted milk from her tits in this way is half-a-mile!!! Achieved by a woman with enormous breasts in Alaska!
Here are some breasts for you to study ...
Be warned though. This is a man who has seen too many tits!!
His face is now stuck like this. This symptom is called: Tittyitis. The only treatment for Tittyitis is to stare at a twat for twenty minutes to counter-balance the effect. So just to make sure you don't, yourself, develop Tittyitis after seeing the above pic of a ladies tits, you must stare at a twat for twenty minutes.
Here's a twat ...
Now stare at him for twenty minutes before proceeding.
Christmas is coming, so is Dr Mal (he's been watching those illegal videos again!)
It's inevitable that over the festive season you'll be drinking huge amounts of alcohol (I know I will be!) So this month Dr Mal has been probing alcohol (and consuming a great deal of it too!)
Yes, it's Christmas! The goose is getting fat (and she's thinking of inviting her mother over for Christmas too!) the children are getting excited and have a rosy glow on their cheeks (especially the young slut that I was with last night!) And somewhere in his mythical North Pole headquarters, the mythical Santa Clause and his mythical elves, are packing mythical presents into mythical wrapping paper!
Around this time of year my practice is full of people unconscious or in comas (most of whom I haven't even touched yet!) They're that way because of alcohol!
Now in moderation, alcohol can be very pleasurable. You do silly things, you dance around naked in front of your in-laws after Christmas dinner (I do, every year!) You have a really good time.
But if you go a bit silly and overdo it, alcohol can be a very dangerous commodity!
I personally know of someone who drank so much that they began to fancy Judy Finnegan, of the popular television husband and wife team: Richard and Judy. Of course, he's alright now, but for a brief time it looked like he would never recover.
Yes, alcohol is indeed dangerous, but here are some basic guidelines for the consumption of this deadly chemical (for that, after all, is what it is!)
Always eat before you drink. This puts a lining on the stomach. If you drink on an empty stomach, your stomach will not thank you for it. It will detach itself from your body and leave town; without even leaving a note or anything.
Don't gulp drink down, sip it. You have nothing to prove by downing can after can after can. And it's not funny to belch loudly after each can either. It's bad manners, and besides, it's much more fun to fart later on - when you've saved it all up!
Whatever you do, don't drink and drive. Alcohol and driving don't mix. It is a proved fact that your coordination is significantly altered when alcohol is in the system. You may have a nasty accident, what you think is your car you're getting into, may be a giant vat of hydrochloric acid, carelessly left in the car park by workmen.
Something else that doesn't mix with alcohol is sex! The more you drink, the less likely it is that you'll get an erection, and there's a great danger that you may piss all over her (unless she likes that sort of thing of course!)
So there you have it. Don't be dickhead, be safe this Christmas. Don't go mad with the booze. I will be, but then I'm a doctor I know what I'm doing, hic!
This month Dr Mal probes lesbians (which I don't expect they'd like very much - unless of course it's another lesbian with a strap-on probe!)
Lesbians: What are they, where do they live, and can we watch?
What are they?
Sometimes known as dykes, muff-divers or carpet munchers, lesbians are women who like other women, and I don't mean they just like them as a person, I mean they like each other ... you know ... do I have to spell it out? They lick each other's intimate regions! Yes! I'm not kidding! And they rub them up against each others! They suck each other's tits too!
Where do they live?
Lesbians live together sometimes. Yes, two women, together! I know, it's shocking. Sometimes they are outcast and have to go and live in caves in Shropshire. These cave dwellers (in more ways than one, eh?) can often be seen scavenging for food on the outskirts of town. Sometimes these wild lesbians are shot by huntsman with guns. Incidentally, if you know of any lesbians living near you, can you let me know I have a video camera! Which brings me to ...
Can we watch?
Yes, lesbians make loads of porno films - and they're really hot! You can see everything! And they do everything I've told you about too, I'm not kidding! There's one scene in Lesbian Lickers Part 3, where one woman is on all fours, and her girlfriend is behind her, with her face ... er ... if you'll just excuse me for a moment, sorry!
What causes one woman to be attracted to another?
There is no medical diagnosis that would explain why one woman is attracted to another. I suppose it's the same reason a man would be attracted to a woman: the fact that she's got a fit arse and is stacked like a melon factory!
Can these urges be stopped or cured?
No. I'm afraid not. Once a woman gets a taste for another woman's muff there's no stopping her. Anyway why would we want to? Just think of all the bloody good scenes in adult videos us men would be deprived of!
This time I'm going to be looking at sex! If there's one thing I like talking about, it's sex - especially other people having sex, and what they get up to in the privacy of their bedrooms, living rooms, bathrooms and airing cupboards (especially when it involves cucumbers and lubrication cream!)
It may be difficult to find a missionary. Travelling to an underdeveloped part of Africa to find one, might prove expensive! So instead, why not just have sex in the normal way with the man on the top!
This is a very easy position to achieve, and is done by wearing long droopy ears, a tail and by dabbing water on your nose to make it wet, and then barking a lot. Sounds like fun!
Taking it up the bottom is always a difficult area (in more ways than one!) In a lot of cases it's just one partner who wants to try it and the other one's usually trying to offer encouragement, "Come on love, it doesn't hurt, and I'll buy you that new kitchen you've been wanting if you let me." That's always the big question for the woman if she's never done it before - does it hurt? Of course it hurts - it hurts like buggery!
Dressing Up and Role Playing
Some couples like to dress up to improve their sex life. This can involve all kinds of costumes and little dramas acted out by the couple. But please don't try anything elaborate, like acting out an entire Shakespearian play. We're not auditioning for Broadway - we're just having sex!
Sometimes the woman likes the man to dress as a fireman or policeman. The man likes the woman to dress up as a nurse or schoolteacher.
I once knew a couple where the husband would dress up as a gorilla and the wife as Fay Wray (from King Kong) and he'd carry her up on to the roof of their house (luckily she was only small). Then they'd get the couple from next door to fly radio control model planes at them. But in this example, as well as in other examples of role-playing, it can become a little dangerous. The couple almost fell off the roof once when one of the radio control planes smashed into the husband's face, breaking his nose and causing him to lose balance. However the sex afterwards was always brilliant they claimed!
Not everyone likes giving it but most people like receiving it (I know I do!) In the case of the woman administering it on the man there comes the question of whether she should: spit or swallow? My view on the subject is that if she doesn't swallow then she's not worth shit! As for the male administering it on the woman, well it depends on the man (again my own personal take on this is, "I don't do that"). But make sure you only make this known after you've conned her into doing if for you! Anyway, women say that men can't do it as good as other women can do it, so in my opinion all women should be bisexual - so they can get another woman to do oral for them, and preferably with you watching!
This month Dr Mal has been looking at teens - although what Dr Mal gets up to when he surfs the Internet isn't really any of our business! But on the subject of teens, they seem to have more problems than you can shake a stick at (and it's not a stick Dr Mal's been shaking at them I can tell you!) So this month - in between dealing with the police raiding his house and taking away his computer for analysis Dr Mal has concentrated his page on their problems and dealt with his huge sack ... of mail from the moody, miserable, little bastards.
Teens and sex
Young people often ask me when is the right time for sex, and I can't tell them because it all depends on what is the right time for the individual. Usually it's when your parents go out (whatever time that is) then you can hurry upstairs to your bedroom with your boyfriend or girlfriend and get down to it.
Here are some frequently asked questions that young people often ask, frequently.
Should I use a condom?
It all depends. If you're a boy you should always wear one - don't want to get the dirty little slapper pregnant now do you? If you're a girl it's alright, you won't get pregnant the first time and I know a little trick!
What about diseases like AIDS or VD?
Nasty aren't they!
What about crabs?
I love crabs, especially with white sauce, mmm, delicious!
What about rabies?
Don't be silly.
What about my mum and dad finding out?
Well it's none of their business is it?
But my mum's worried!
Fuck her, it's your life!
Can I get pregnant if I use I condom?
It depends where you're boyfriend puts it - if he sticks it on the end of his nose instead of his penis, then there's a good chance it won't help!
What about the morning after pill?
Oh yes, that's a good idea!
Does it work?
How should I know I'm not a bloody woman!
Teens and Pregnancy
What should I do if I get pregnant?
No seriously, what should I do?
Well it's very important first of all that you don't panic.
Well you might not be pregnant.
How would I know for sure?
What's with all these bloody questions!
What's a pregnancy test and where do I get one from?
It's a written examination (GCSE standard) that you sit and it's available to sit at all schools and colleges.
No not really, I was kidding!
So what is a pregnancy test?
A sure fire way of finding out whether you're pregnant or not is to wait nine months and see what happens, if you have a baby, then you were pregnant!
I thought you could get them from the chemists?What, babies?
No, pregnancy tests.
What, no pregnancy tests down the chemists, how you gonna find out whether you're pregnant or not then?!
Teens and Masturbation
Masturbating, having a wank or spanking the plank is an age-old hobby of young boys and let's face it, grown men (or rather let's not face it or were rather likely to get a face full!) We usually get the urge to do it round about the age of 13 as puberty kicks in, using a nak mag as an aid or imagining Stephanie Perkins starkers (she was a girl in my class at secondary school!) It's also called DIY, not to be confused with putting up shelves (if you've got a dick you can put up shelves with, then boy are you packing a cucumber in your jeans!) Sexual excitement causes the penis (that's your nob) to become erect. Take a hold of it and pull the foreskin back over the head, repeat this action, use slow or fast strokes depending on your own personal preference. Eventually you will feel a tingling sensation (this is called an orgasm) and you will climax (come your lot!)
Here are some common myths about masturbation:
1) It can make you blind if you do too much of it (this is complete bollocks, I've been doing it for decades, many times a day and I'm not blind).
2) You'll use up all your sperm and then you won't be able to have babies later on in life (what twaddle, your balls keep on producing sperm, and who wants babies anyway?)
3) If you keep on wanking too much you'll get cancer of the nob and it'll drop off. (This, like the other myths is absolute poffi-cock!)
4) You'll wear your knob out and it'll get smaller and smaller until it's so tiny you'll need a microscope to see it (this is true, mine is!)
So there you have it - masturbation! Everything you ever wanted to know in a nutshell (or in a nutbag more appropriately!)
Lastly, there is nothing to be ashamed of in masturbating; it's a perfectly natural pastime. Everybody does it, sportsmen do it, pop stars do it, even the Prime Minister does it (never heard anyone say that hes a wanker?) We're all in it together. I think it was Karl Marx who once said, "Wankers of the world unite!" or something like that. We should stick together (oo-er!)
Smoking is good for you!
This month, what with New Year's resolutions and everything, many of you will be thinking about giving up smoking. Dr Mal advises us that we should in fact be thinking of the reverse - that if we don't already smoke now, we should take up the habit! Because, as Dr Mal explains: Smoking is actually good for you!
Don't believe me? Ever been dying for a fag, and then you have one? How can anyone say it's not good for you (it makes me feel better!)
When you're stressed, you have a fag and it relieveS the stress. I mean, if you worry too much you get an ulcer. Smoking stops you getting a fucking ulcer!
This is only one of many ways in which smoking improves your health.
The more you smoke, the less wound up, agitated and nervous you are. You are able to function at your work place without stress - and as you know, the less stress you have, the more it drastically reduces the chance of an heart attack.
People who smoke 40 fags a day are some of the most relaxed, happy people I know.
There has been a lot said about lung cancer - probably because it's true; smoking can give you it. But just think about this - if you are told by your doctor you had it, wouldn't it be much worse if you didn't smoke? I mean, you wouldn't be able to have a fag to cope with the stress that you'd get from being told you've got cancer!
In fact, you're more at risk from death if you "don't" smoke.
I'll give you an example: Some years ago a friend of mine gave up smoking, he quit - he had the willpower. Three weeks after he quit, he got run over by a bus on his way to the chemists to buy some nicotine patches. If he hadn't given up smoking, he'd still be alive today!
Carry on smoking and you'll live a long and healthy life!
There are much more dangerous things you can do than smoking - in conclusion, I'll leave you with ten examples:
Smoking is much less dangerous than crossing the road.
Smoking is much less dangerous than crossing Big Ron "Cruncher" McNasty the famous gangland boss.
Smoking is much less dangerous than screwing the wife of a heavyweight boxer built like a brick shithouse.
Smoking is much less dangerous than sitting under a ten-ton weight held up with a very weak rope.
Smoking is much less dangerous than opening a letter in America.
Smoking is much less dangerous than giving your wife driving lessons.
Smoking is much less dangerous than taking on a Bengal tiger single-handed.
Smoking is much less dangerous than taking photos of Liam Gallagher.
Smoking is much less dangerous than marrying O.J. Simpson.
Smoking is much less dangerous than having Harold Shipman as a GP.