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May 2002
Hill Street Boobs
Saturdays CH4 9.00 

Jordan shows that she knows how to handle a truncheon as she plays a New York cop apprehending villains by getting her tits out, and, while they're having a good gawp, cuffing them (not her boobs the villains!)  And she finds novel ways of dealing with violent felons tooIn one episode she knocks a criminal unconcious by swinging her boobs at him (so that's why they're called knockers!)


November/December 2001


The Toe Rags
I Am Still A Toe Rag
(Toe Rag)

It's a follow up to their, I Am A Toe Rag. Their Album, I Am Still Definitely Positively A Toe Rag, featuring the classics, Do The Toe Rag, and, I Am Just A Toe Rag, is released later in the year.

The Woodenheads
Spank The Plank

So I'm listening to this record by the Woodchoppers or something, called, Spunk The Junk, or whatever it was, when my aunt, who I haven't seen for yonks, drops by with a box of cakes that she's baked for me,
So we're sat in my front room scoffing cakes and talking about old times when I suddenly feel light headed and then start to hallucinate. My aunt had laced the cakes with strong hallucinogenic drugs. Furthermore she had turned into a giant green lizard and it was then that I suddenly had a vision of John Lennon, stood right in front of me, who said a wondrous and magical thing to me, he said, 'Eat lots of melons they're good for you.'
Anyway my aunt left and I put on the CD by, whoever it was, and gave it a listen. It was alright I suppose but then I had to start thinking about what I wanted for my tea. So I switched off my HiFi and decided, yes you've guessed it, I ate a melon!


Party Life

Britpop artist, Blair, releases a collection of songs on the Parliament label. The album kicks off with, (I'm Gonna) Privatise You Baby, in which Blair sings about privatising public services. Later on we get, his own re-writing of the Rolling Stones with, Jumping Jack Straw.
Next, a punk classic gets the Blair treatment. On the song, Jilted John, he takes great relish in singing the line, 'Gordon is a moron!' Leading us to believe that all is still not well between the two ministers.
Dont Blame Me For The Waiting List, is a song about the National Health Service being in a dire state as a legacy of the Tories. At one point he sings, 'Don't blame me for the waiting list, all this whinging is getting on my tits, it's all the Tories fault you mindless fools, and the same thing goes for badly run schools!' The album ends with, Johnny Two Jags. 'Johnny Two Jags is a man I know, parks in the spaces where the disabled should go, parks anywhere where he can find room, if he could get there he'd park on the moon!'

The Sick Puppies
Poodle Soup
(Dead Dog)

Listening this record is like banging your head against a brick wall, while you have one hand in a bowl of acid and are cutting the other to ribbons with a razorblade. I loved it!

Meaty, Beaty, Big And Bouncy
(Fat Slag)

She's big, literally!
An aspiring actress, rumour has it that she is to star in Jurassic Park 4 as a brontosaurus.
If you've not had a chance to see her live yet, don't bother. Once she's managed to get up onto the stage, usually lifted into position by crane, the truth hits you: she can't sing. Her dance routines consist of her standing there or more frequently, sitting there, while her dancers dance around her. When she sings she has the voice of an angel; the voice of an angel being strangled. Then the chair she's sitting on usually breaks under her weight and the crane has to be used to lift her again.
All her songs are all about obesity.
'I'm making a stand, or sitting down at least, for fat people,' she says.
The singer, who was nicknamed, Fatty Carbuncle, at school and picked on because of her weight, says that fat people should stand up or be lifted up by crane at least and say, 'I am fat and proud!'
Her first album, Flabby Road, sold over 20 copies, mostly to members of her family and friends. This album should do even worse.
Her cute cover version of, Big Girls Don't Cry, makes you want to vomit.
And talking of vomit ...

Puke City

Vomit release their eagerly anticipated debut album, Vomit City.
Angry, disaffected youth. These guys are ... er, angry and disaffected.
They should be disinfected more like!
The rotting corpse of punk rock is dug up once again and it don't smell too pretty.
The song, Puke My Guts Up, reminds you very much of Slipknot and then it reminds you of Barry Manilow. It's shit.
The best that can be said of their music is that it is fucking crap.
Judging from the cover the members of this band need a good wash.
These guys stink, literally!




April 2002

Britney Spears stars in a film adaptation of the popular British soap opera.  Adam tries to woo Britney but ends up shagging Benny; who has made a return to the motel.  This all comes about when dimwit, Benny, thinking he has a chance, enters a Britney look-a-like competition; complete with blonde wig, make up and school uniform.  Adam, slightly worse for wear after drinking heavily, drunkenly mistakes Benny for the singing star, when he follows him back to his room.  The scene where Adam realises he's buggering poor old Benny, is an absolute joy!

January 2002

The Stars Pop Out For The Opening Of Harry Pothead

The stars popped out for the screening of Harry Pothead when the film premiered in London's West End recently. Some of the biggest names - and some of the biggest bra sizes - were on show, coming out for the screening. The film is expected to be a huge blockbuster and we saw a few "blockbusters" ourselves outside as the stars turned up!

amanda holden

Les Dennis's missus, Amanda Holden, has her knockers but we like her. To us this little strumpet is beyond criticism. We'd like to hold her to our hearts - we'd like to, but the security won't let us near her!

anna friel

And you can always rely on ex-Brookside lesbo Anna Friel's nipples to make an appearance at these glittery occasions. Like the star herself, her breasts just never seem to want to stay in and would probably pop out for the opening of an envelope!

mariah carey

Troubled singing star Mariah Carey seems to be getting over her breakdown as she slipped out of a fantastic black number and gave us a welcome glimpse of nip. The buxom star is always number one with us - you're giving us breakdowns now Mariah!

pamela anderson

Ex-Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson's are so big that it's not surprising she has difficulty containing them. We haven't seen hers for so long we'd almost forgotten what they look like! But she didn't disappoint the waiting crowds of fans and press eager for a glimpse of those famous globes. So a welcome comeback for Pammie's boobs there!
No male stars turned up at the event, honest!

July/August 2001

Comb Raider (12)

The mad hairdresser comb thief strikes again and only one woman can stop him, Laura Crop (played by the gorgeous actress, Angelina Jolie).
The star plays an action heroine who owns a string of hairdressing salons under threat from the dreaded Comb Raider.
Thinking one customer is just in for a rinse and set, it turns out that he is in fact the Comb Raider, he attacks Laura but she defends herself with a blow dryer.
If there's one thing the Comb Raider can't stand, it's being blow-dried!
There's action all the way in this adventure film and the luscious Angelina is an added bonus.
With lips like those she can blow dry me anyday!

Planet of the Grapes (15)

An Earth spaceship lands on a planet where the entire population is suffering from haemorrhoids. It turns out it's Earth in the future. Not understanding why the entire population of Earth suffers from piles, our hero sets out to find out what happened. He is captured and medically examined by Helena Bonham-Carter, I wish! The star complained about the make-up she had to wear during the shoot, she said, 'I spent a gruelling four hours in make-up just to look pretty.'
She also added, 'I also had to spend a lot of time in training with an haemorrhoid sufferer who taught me how to behave like someone inflicted with piles.'

In the early 90s, the Gulf War raged ... only one man could stop Saddam Hussein's evil reign of terror!

John Major is ...




He came ... he saw ... he told Saddam to, 'Stop it please, stop the war, oh go on please Saddam, pretty please with sugar on top.'

Now showing at all mean, bad cinemas everywhere.

May 2002
At the cinema ...


break it like beckham

 An aspiring footballer breaks his foot just before a major game.
"A Brit flick-knife of a movie" - Empire
"Same old shit" - Loaded

Now showing ...

the hamiltons

The Hamiltons return to the public eye, again!Your worst nightmare realised!
At all pant-crapping cinemas everywhere!

Harry Pothead and the Philosophers Stoned (PG)

School kid, Harry Pothead, flies and does other magical things when he indulges in his favourite pastime of smoking marijuana. He attends a school of weed horticulture, where he learns how to cultivate all kinds of weird and wonderful drugs. Kids'll be using his catchphrase, 'Yeah man!' for weeks after seeing this flick! The real star of this film is the owl who introduces a comedy element when the poor little thing keeps falling off its perch because it's so stoned. Based on the children's novel by Timothy Leary.

Lord of the Ringtones (PG)

Based on the very long novel by Tolkien, here adapted into a very long film. A wonderful - although padded out a bit - fantasy adventure for all ages except mums and dads. Our hero, battles evil and the occasional double-glazing salesman, along the way encountering wizards, hobbits and sex-starved psycho Girl Guides. Finally he comes across the Lord of the Ringtones and finds that ringtone he's been searching for but couldn't find anywhere - the theme to Benny Hill! If you're looking for a film to take the kids to over Christmas, take them to see American Pie 2 (at least you'll like that and it's much shorter and you don't have to sit as long with the little brats!)

Legally Bland (12)

Our heroine sets out to prove just how dumb she is by trying to land a role in a movie with a plot we've seen before in other films such as Clueless.
Unfortunately the actress is normally too bright to star in crap like this, so she has to make herself as dull and vacant as possible in order to get the part. Hence the title!

Scream 4 (18)

Hollywood film producers dream up this idea of a part 4 of their already over-milked horror film series. In this version, just like every other slasher flick and every other film in the Scream franchise, a serial killer in a mask goes around slaughtering dumb American college kids in a small American town. Except that these kids are so well-read on the subject of horror that they know what's going to happen next. Doesn't stop them getting bumped off though does it! Verdict: Scream's udders are knackered!

Now showing at all wicked cinemas everywhere ...


ali g


"Ise float like a butterfly, Ise sting like a bee!"


January 2002

The Phantom Penis (PG)

Sci Fi adventure. A creature who resembles a penis, Dikk Hedd, has a plan to overthrow the intergalactic empire and claim himself ruler of the universe. He has declared the war, Dikk's Great Coming!
On the side of good is Dikk's arch-enemy Obi Wan Kenoff.
Verdict: If the plot was as special as the effects then this would still be a piece of crap!

Billy Idiot (PG)

Billy is a 14 year old boy who has only one ambition. But unlike most boys his age his ambition is not to become a footballer or a boxer, Billy wants to be a clown!
Billy practises all day, perfecting pratt falls and sticking custard pies in his parent's faces - much to their dismay as they would have liked him to be a ballet dancer!
The local kids pick on him when he walks down the street; just because he wears a big orange wig, big red nose, a baggy over-sized patchwork suit and overly long shoes.
In one memorable scene, Billy is being bullied by one of the kids, so he asks him to smell the flower in his buttonhole and as the kid does so, it squirts water in his face!
Verdict: Big pants!

July/August 2001

The Cher Witch Project (18)

Three students go in to the woods in search of the Cher Witch - a legend of a woman who used to lure toy boys into the woods and then subject them to her music.
In the middle of the night they hear ghostly echoes of the Shoop Shoop Song. When they awake next morning Cher albums and a portable CD player to play them on have been left outside their tent.
Will our heroes actually have to listen to these CDs or will they escape from the evil Cher Witch?

Kitchen Sink Drama (15)

Drama about the life of an ordinary poor working class kitchen sink that gets pregnant by the spin dryer.
This tale of a young mother faced with racial bigotry from the 60s was a big hit at the box office and was held up as a milestone in British cinema history.
It's only just been released on video partly because of the controversy but mostly because it's a piece of crap!