Music

November/December 2001

The Toe Rags
I Am Still A Toe Rag
(Toe Rag)

It's a follow up to their, I Am A Toe Rag. Their Album, I Am Still Definitely Positively A Toe Rag, featuring the classics, Do The Toe Rag, and, I Am Just A Toe Rag, is released later in the year.

The Woodenheads
Spank The Plank
(Wood)

So I'm listening to this record by the Woodchoppers or something, called, Spunk The Junk, or whatever it was, when my aunt, who I haven't seen for yonks, drops by with a box of cakes that she's baked for me,
So we're sat in my front room scoffing cakes and talking about old times when I suddenly feel light headed and then start to hallucinate. My aunt had laced the cakes with strong hallucinogenic drugs. Furthermore she had turned into a giant green lizard and it was then that I suddenly had a vision of John Lennon, stood right in front of me, who said a wondrous and magical thing to me, he said, 'Eat lots of melons they're good for you.'
Anyway my aunt left and I put on the CD by, whoever it was, and gave it a listen. It was alright I suppose but then I had to start thinking about what I wanted for my tea. So I switched off my HiFi and decided, yes you've guessed it, I ate a melon!

Blair
Party Life
(Parliament)

Britpop artist, Blair, releases a collection of songs on the Parliament label. The album kicks off with, (I'm Gonna) Privatise You Baby, in which Blair sings about privatising public services. Later on we get, his own re-writing of the Rolling Stones with, Jumping Jack Straw.
Next, a punk classic gets the Blair treatment. On the song, Jilted John, he takes great relish in singing the line, 'Gordon is a moron!' Leading us to believe that all is still not well between the two ministers.
Dont Blame Me For The Waiting List, is a song about the National Health Service being in a dire state as a legacy of the Tories. At one point he sings, 'Don't blame me for the waiting list, all this whinging is getting on my tits, it's all the Tories fault you mindless fools, and the same thing goes for badly run schools!' The album ends with, Johnny Two Jags. 'Johnny Two Jags is a man I know, parks in the spaces where the disabled should go, parks anywhere where he can find room, if he could get there he'd park on the moon!'

The Sick Puppies
Poodle Soup
(Dead Dog)

Listening this record is like banging your head against a brick wall, while you have one hand in a bowl of acid and are cutting the other to ribbons with a razorblade. I loved it!

Flabdonna
Meaty, Beaty, Big And Bouncy
(Fat Slag)

She's big, literally!
An aspiring actress, rumour has it that she is to star in Jurassic Park 4 as a brontosaurus.
If you've not had a chance to see her live yet, don't bother. Once she's managed to get up onto the stage, usually lifted into position by crane, the truth hits you: she can't sing. Her dance routines consist of her standing there or more frequently, sitting there, while her dancers dance around her. When she sings she has the voice of an angel; the voice of an angel being strangled. Then the chair she's sitting on usually breaks under her weight and the crane has to be used to lift her again.
All her songs are all about obesity.
'I'm making a stand, or sitting down at least, for fat people,' she says.
The singer, who was nicknamed, Fatty Carbuncle, at school and picked on because of her weight, says that fat people should stand up or be lifted up by crane at least and say, 'I am fat and proud!'
Her first album, Flabby Road, sold over 20 copies, mostly to members of her family and friends. This album should do even worse.
Her cute cover version of, Big Girls Don't Cry, makes you want to vomit.
And talking of vomit ...

Vomit
Puke City
(Sick)

Vomit release their eagerly anticipated debut album, Vomit City.
Angry, disaffected youth. These guys are ... er, angry and disaffected.
They should be disinfected more like!
The rotting corpse of punk rock is dug up once again and it don't smell too pretty.
The song, Puke My Guts Up, reminds you very much of Slipknot and then it reminds you of Barry Manilow. It's shit.
The best that can be said of their music is that it is fucking crap.
Judging from the cover the members of this band need a good wash.
These guys stink, literally!

July/August 2001

Comb Raider (12)

The mad hairdresser comb thief strikes again and only one woman can stop him, Laura Crop (played by the gorgeous actress, Angelina Jolie).
The star plays an action heroine who owns a string of hairdressing salons under threat from the dreaded Comb Raider.
Thinking one customer is just in for a rinse and set, it turns out that he is in fact the Comb Raider, he attacks Laura but she defends herself with a blow dryer.
If there's one thing the Comb Raider can't stand, it's being blow-dried!
There's action all the way in this adventure film and the luscious Angelina is an added bonus.
With lips like those she can blow dry me anyday!

Planet of the Grapes (15)

An Earth spaceship lands on a planet where the entire population is suffering from haemorrhoids. It turns out it's Earth in the future. Not understanding why the entire population of Earth suffers from piles, our hero sets out to find out what happened. He is captured and medically examined by Helena Bonham-Carter, I wish! The star complained about the make-up she had to wear during the shoot, she said, 'I spent a gruelling four hours in make-up just to look pretty.'
She also added, 'I also had to spend a lot of time in training with an haemorrhoid sufferer who taught me how to behave like someone inflicted with piles.'

In the early 90s, the Gulf War raged ... only one man could stop Saddam Hussein's evil reign of terror!

He came ... he saw ... he told Saddam to, 'Stop it please, stop the war, oh go on please Saddam, pretty please with sugar on top.'

Now showing at all mean, bad cinemas everywhere.

Harry Pothead and the Philosophers Stoned (PG)

Lord of the Ringtones (PG)

Based on the very long novel by Tolkien, here adapted into a very long film. A wonderful - although padded out a bit - fantasy adventure for all ages except mums and dads. Our hero, battles evil and the occasional double-glazing salesman, along the way encountering wizards, hobbits and sex-starved psycho Girl Guides. Finally he comes across the Lord of the Ringtones and finds that ringtone he's been searching for but couldn't find anywhere - the theme to Benny Hill! If you're looking for a film to take the kids to over Christmas, take them to see American Pie 2 (at least you'll like that and it's much shorter and you don't have to sit as long with the little brats!)

Legally Bland (12)

Our heroine sets out to prove just how dumb she is by trying to land a role in a movie with a plot we've seen before in other films such as Clueless.
Unfortunately the actress is normally too bright to star in crap like this, so she has to make herself as dull and vacant as possible in order to get the part. Hence the title!

Scream 4 (18)

Hollywood film producers dream up this idea of a part 4 of their already over-milked horror film series. In this version, just like every other slasher flick and every other film in the Scream franchise, a serial killer in a mask goes around slaughtering dumb American college kids in a small American town. Except that these kids are so well-read on the subject of horror that they know what's going to happen next. Doesn't stop them getting bumped off though does it! Verdict: Scream's udders are knackered!

Videos

January 2002

The Phantom Penis (PG)

Sci Fi adventure. A creature who resembles a penis, Dikk Hedd, has a plan to overthrow the intergalactic empire and claim himself ruler of the universe. He has declared the war, Dikk's Great Coming!
On the side of good is Dikk's arch-enemy Obi Wan Kenoff.
Verdict: If the plot was as special as the effects then this would still be a piece of crap!

Billy Idiot (PG)

Billy is a 14 year old boy who has only one ambition. But unlike most boys his age his ambition is not to become a footballer or a boxer, Billy wants to be a clown!
Billy practises all day, perfecting pratt falls and sticking custard pies in his parent's faces - much to their dismay as they would have liked him to be a ballet dancer!
The local kids pick on him when he walks down the street; just because he wears a big orange wig, big red nose, a baggy over-sized patchwork suit and overly long shoes.
In one memorable scene, Billy is being bullied by one of the kids, so he asks him to smell the flower in his buttonhole and as the kid does so, it squirts water in his face!
Verdict: Big pants!

July/August 2001

The Cher Witch Project (18)

Three students go in to the woods in search of the Cher Witch - a legend of a woman who used to lure toy boys into the woods and then subject them to her music.
In the middle of the night they hear ghostly echoes of the Shoop Shoop Song. When they awake next morning Cher albums and a portable CD player to play them on have been left outside their tent.
Will our heroes actually have to listen to these CDs or will they escape from the evil Cher Witch?

Kitchen Sink Drama (15)

Drama about the life of an ordinary poor working class kitchen sink that gets pregnant by the spin dryer.
This tale of a young mother faced with racial bigotry from the 60s was a big hit at the box office and was held up as a milestone in British cinema history.
It's only just been released on video partly because of the controversy but mostly because it's a piece of crap!