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Editorial: May/June 2003
Censorship it's a f%&king scandal!  You can't say what you f*Łking want any more.  Who are these tw$ts?  C&nts the lot of 'em! 
     Films, TV, music, all f$%king censored these days.  It's this not a free society?  F*^k it, that's what I say.  How about you? 
     F??k you then, if you don't agree.  I don't need you, I'll go away and live on a f%&king island somewhere where I can f%$king swear to my f*&king heart's f*$king conf&*kingtent!!!
Some offensive words:

Editorial: Jan/Feb 2003
War - what is it good for?

Should we go to war?  What is the war really about?  Who wants a silly old war anyway?
Should we go to war?
The simple answer is, I don't know.  On one hand you have Bush wanting to go in, guns blazing, blowing the Iraqis sky high, and on the other hand you have fours fingers and a thumb.
     Don't forget that Blair wants a war too, it's not just Bush.  And why does Blair want a war?  Well, because Bush says so!
What is the war really about?
Well it can't just be oil, can it?  Well, a bit.  Alright then, it's oil, but don't tell anyone!  Make out it's to save human civilisation from those nasty Iraqis, who are hiding biological weapons in their garden sheds, and not that you want to fill your Datsun Sunbeam up with four star!
Who wants a silly old war anyway?
Well, we all do, apparently.  We're all behind good old Bush and Blair - it's just that we're a very long way behind them!

Editorial December 2002
Has Christmas lost its meaning?

Somehow the real meaning of Christmas has been lost.   
     Everyone knows that the real meaning of Christmas is: Santa Clause!  The old guy has been overlooked in recent years, forgotten about in the commercial avalanche that is: Christmas, now.
     You know there are some people, Christians for one, who think that the real meaning of Christmas is: Jesus Christ, imagine that! 
     Did you know there are also millions of people out there who don't even know who Santa Clause is! 
     Or that there are some people who think that Rudolf was one of the Nazis during the Second World War; and not Santa's lovable red-nosed reindeer!
     There are also billions who don't believe that elves pack all the presents you receive, at the North Pole in Santa's toy and present factory every year!
     No wonder society's become what it is, and that morality's gone right out of the window, there's just no belief anymore!
     So this Christmas, no matter what race creed or denomination you are, leave a stocking hanging up in your front room, together with a mince pie and a glass of sherry.  And as long as you've been good all year round, you'll receive a big surprise come Christmas morning! 
     That is of course, as long as you believe!
Merry Christmas!

Editorial November 2002
Who Do Celebrities Think They Are?
Just who do celebrities think they are?  They seem to be nothing more than a bunch of coked-up, prostitute visiting, Ulrika-shagging, pool partying, spoilt, tosspots!  I for one am appalled, disgusted, and then appalled some more, at the shenanigans of these so-called stars! 
     Cocaine -  it's not big and it's not clever, and I can't get hold of it for love nor money, so why should celebrities be able to?  Does shoving that stuff up their noses, help John Leslie present This Morning in a new and interesting way - did it have the same effect that LSD did on the Beatles when they made Sgt. Pepper?  I think not.  Or did it make Angus Deayton funnier?  I doubt it; he never was very amusing in the first place. 
     Whatever happened to decent family entertainers like Little and Large, and Keith Harris and Orville?  Keith Harris never snorted cocaine, and neither did Orville. 
     Then there's Barrymore!  A wonderful family entertainer until he got into drugs and homosexuality, and then he was so distracted getting high and touching young men's bottoms, that he threw his television career away. 
     And what about this Deayton fellow, visiting prostitutes?  Having all that sex!  It's disgusting! 
     Where have all the morals gone?  Where has all the decency disappeared to?  Why are all these celebrities having so much more fun than me!  It's disgraceful!  
     Utterly, utterly disgraceful!

Editorial: May 2002
Should We Name And Shame?

You may not believe it, but there are millions of people in this country who actually watch ITV's Airline, and, what's more enjoy every sickening minute of it!  There are also millions of people who actually get off on watching Catchphrase, and think that, Cilla Black, is a wonderful, charismatic, television presenter!

Who are these people?  Is one living near you?  These sick individuals have been known to find Barrymore entertaining!  They throw around phrases like "comic genius" and say things like, 'I laughed myself silly watching him the other night.'  Fortunately the so-called comic has been off our screens recently, but I have heard rumours of video copies of his shows being handed around by these people!

For a long time now I have campaigned to have a register of people who watch crap telly, because just think about this if you will - one could exist in your social circle and be keeping quiet about his activity!  All the time your down the pub talking about the match last night he could be thinking of how much he enjoyed Crossroads the previous evening!   For example, I once knew someone who watched a whole episode of Emmerdale!  He even had a smile on his face at the end of it - it was obvious he was getting off on it! We should know who these depraved people are, they should be: NAMED AND SHAMED!

Of course there is the argument that people should have the freedom to chose what they do in their own lives, in the privacy of their own homes, but these sick individuals don't deserve freedom of choice.

I know that vigilantes have been known in the past to harass a known crap television watcher, or even someone suspected of the act.  I know for instance of one case where bricks were thrown through the window of someone known to be watching You've Been Framed in his front room.  That man could have been innocent!  But as luck would have it, he wasn't, the sad little pervert was not only watching the programme, but had actually sent his home videos into the show, and also belonged to the Lisa Riley fan club!  He deserved everything he got!

What do you think?  Should we name these people?  I would be interested in your opinion.

Just remember: one of these people could get near your kids and force them to watch Richard and Judy or Jim Davidsons Generation Game!  It doesn't bear thinking about, does it?

Editorial: April 2002 
How Should We Celebrate The Queen's Golden Jubilee?

Her Majesty has been on the throne now for 50 years, and doesn't show any sign of getting off it and giving one of the young princes a turn - like everybody seems to want.  But despite her stubbornness, and her clinging to power for dear life, trampling all over the common man and taking our tax pounds, we still love her.

She may be an antiquated, outdated institution, and she may be ripping off our tax pounds, but hey, isn't she worth every blasted penny?

Hasn't she, for instance, got a lovely smile, and what about that cute little dainty wave she gives to her subjects on her many public appearances?  And doesn't she look great on the stamps?  Can you imagine Charles on the stamps (not with them ears!)  And besides, he talks to plants the guys loopy!

Long live Her Majesty, that's what I say.  Long may she reign over us, looking down on us - because let's face it we're not worthy enough to lick her crown jewels!  We're scum compared to her, we're nothing but a lot of common, ordinary, peasants, whereas, Her Majesty is a shining gem - she is one of our crown jewels!

And just think of the alternative - communism!  Who wants that?  Not me for one.  And that's what we would be looking at if we didn't have good old Queenie sitting there on the throne.  We'd have a military government - there'd be tanks and machine gun turrets in every street!  Barbed wire would surround your local supermarket, and food would be only available to the rich imperialist government that had suddenly taken up office overnight.  It would be like Russia or worse - America!  They haven't got a Queen, they've got George W Bush - imagine that!

So how should we celebrate the Queens Golden Jubilee?  Well I for one think that good old-fashioned street parties are a good idea!  I remember going to one when it was her Silver Jubilee, and I got roaring drunk and had to be carried home - and I was only eleven!

It seems like only yesterday that I was nursing the mother of all hangovers!  It was even worse than when I'd got high on glue the previous week, and my mum and dad were seriously thinking about having me put into care.

So, long live the Queen - God bless her!

Editorial: January 2002

Sept. 11th changed the world as look at it. We see things differently now. For a start you begin to appreciate things that you took for granted before.
For instance, Britney Spears seems like a pop genius now, her songs suddenly sound great! I often find myself walking around the Bananas office humming, Oops I Did It Again and Baby One More Time. A colleague will say what's that brilliant tune you're humming and I'll say, 'That's Britney Spears,' and my colleague will say in return, 'Really, I thought it was Mozart!'
Sheer genius!
Whereas before we thought she was an annoying, irritating pop singer with a voice like a gurgling cat.
Not anymore, and she's not the only one. Don't Steps sound great now! Before Sept. 11th just an Abba rip-off band afterwards: sheer fucking talent! And isn't it sad they've split up now, I was in tears! It's a sad loss to music but we should think ourselves lucky we've still got all their wonderful songs to listen to.
Atomic Kitten, Westlife ... even Posh Spice sounds brilliant now! I've gone out and bought all of their CDs and you know what, I'm enjoying them!
But music is not the only thing we've been appreciating more since Sept. 11th, has anyone else noticed how gorgeous the Duchess of York is looking these days, she's dynamite! What a babe! Why didn't we notice how hot she looked before? Never before Sept. 11th would I want to shaft that sexy little redheaded minx!
And that's not all. I read a Jeffrey Archer novel the other day and you know what - I actually liked it! The guys a literary genius! It reads like Dickens or Shakespeare or something. I'm going to read his entire back catalogue now! Let's hope hes writing another while he's banged up, so we'll have another Archer masterpiece to read when he gets out!
Since Sept. 11th I find I tend to look for the good in people and you know what - I bet there's even some good in those awful Hamiltons (and doesn't Christine Hamilton's outfits look great!)

Editorial: November/December 2001

The years news in part ...

So Christmas is upon us again and what a year it's been for news!
Perhaps the biggest news was concerning those magnificent twin monuments of the modern world. Yes, Jordan was never out of the news this year! She has her critics and her knockers but you have to feel sorry for the poor girl. The topless star (funny, she looks like she's got plenty of top to me!) was in the news for getting drunk, getting laid and getting pregnant (it usually happens in that order!)
And still the war rages ... the war that there seems to be no end to ... yes Liam and Robbie are still feuding, even though it looked like a truce had been agreed a couple of months back. The outcome of this latest incident? Robbie hid behind a Sinatra impersonation and Liam went back to his cave.
That other war, Afghanistan, although obviously not as important as the spat between Liam and Robbie, is still on. America continues to bomb every cave in Afghanistan in a hope that one of them will be the one were Osama bin Laden is hiding. Let's keep our fingers crossed eh!
Jeffrey Archer finally got banged up for lies and deceit but we feel another charge should have been brought to him, for crimes against literature! We hear the disgraced author is taking English lessons while inside, nuff said!
Those lovable publicity shy Hamiltons were in the news again due to an aleged indecent act they commited on a woman. They were probably trying to sell her one of Mrs Hamilton's outfits! Never mind Mrs H, with pantomine season almost upon us, maybe you could flog some to the pantomine dames!
So here we are, the time of the year when the farmer plumps up the goose, and then, when he's finished shagging the missus, feeds up the poultry to make sure we have plenty of fatted birds over the festive season.
So grab that mistletoe and grab that bird and give her a great big snog, then put the turkey down and kiss one of the girls at the party!

Troubled Teenagers: A Wake-up Call!

Today's teenagers are out of control. They seem to be a bunch of drunken, violent, delinquent troublemakers. Take Mike Bradford for instance, an underprivileged 15-year-old from Salford. Mike is a juvenile delinquent. That means a young person who repeatedly breaks the law, uses foul language and has no respect for authority. He smokes, drinks and takes drugs. And that's not all, Mike often "wags" school and spends his days at home watching daytime TV (and we know how mind-numbing that can be - there's no telling what affect it has on a young mind).
Drugs are bad, you and I know this, but Mike is young, he is not aware of the dangers of drugs. Mike just sees the taking of drugs as a "bit of a laugh" like many teenagers like him. Thousands and thousands of young people who have become hooked on drugs are not laughing (except those who get a bit giddy after smoking marijuana that is!)
There are many young troubled young people like Mike in this country, you may know one or two who live in your own area.
Mike's girlfriend Janet is three months pregnant with Mike's child. Janet is only fourteen years old and is already a slag. No one told the young couple about birth control, they are too thick to know what the pill and contraceptives are. Both kids are illiterate; and they are not alone. Many of our young people are this way. A shocking fact, I know.
Mike's next-door neighbour is Mr Robinson. Mr Robinson has experienced Mike's delinquency at first hand. Mike one day purposely smashed one of Mr Robinson's ornamental garden gnomes he'd affectionately christened, Eddie, to pieces. He was so upset he was in tears (not the gnome, Mr Robinson). Mr Robinson tried to superglue the little chap back together but got himself stuck to it and had to go to the local hospital to get the gnome removed.
Mr Robinson's problem with our local neighbourhood delinquent didn't end there. He put the gnome back in place in his garden but Mike came along and smashed it to bits again.
Mr Robinson moved, but Mike found out where he lived and tormented him again, and smashed the garden gnome he had bought as a replacement for Eddie. Mr Robinson shot himself in the head some months later (I suppose he just couldn't take much more of Mike's torment).
This is the ugly reality of juvenile delinquency, it hits home doesn't it, what can happen if it's left to fester like an untreated wound. Pretty soon it will become septic and ooze gooey, foul-smelling puss!
What do you do about this social menace?
The police in the area have their hands tied. Because Mike and his delinquent pals have bound their hands with rope to show just how ineffectual their authority is in the neighbourhood. These young thugs are literally laughing at the police.
'You see them on the street corners when we drive past and they're laughing at us,' one constable told us and he added, 'When I walked past once, one of them shouted, "What you doing with that tit on you head?" and then they all burst into laughter.'
The yobs rule it seems!
But the police are being given new powers. Watch out Mike and co. you never know, in the future, your local bobby may be armed with a powerful automatic sub-machine gun! Who'll be laughing then?
If you don't get your act together Mike - and other young people like you - delinquency will eat away at you; devour you! You'll become a social leper, or worse you'll end up in a young offenders institution.
Delinquents beware, the net is closing in!

Editorial: July/August 2001

So America found a part of Iraq to bomb that hadn't already been bombed by the superpower before. Saddam shook his fist and said how naughty it was of America to bomb him again, when he wasn't a bad man really, just a bit misunderstood.
The Channel Four spoof documentary programme, Brass Eye, sent up the way the media deals with paedophiles and during the course of the programme showed Phil Collins wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan, NONCE SENSE. The singer later complained that he shouldn't have appeared in the programme, and that he took part in the show without prior knowledge that it was a spoof, and furthermore that he shouldn't have appeared in it wearing a T-shirt with NONCE SENSE written on it.
We agree with some of these points.
The first: he shouldn't have appeared in the programme. We feel that Phil Collins should never appear anywhere; especially appearing somewhere there might be some chance of him performing.
Second: No, he shouldn't have been shown wearing a T-shirt that says NONCE SENSE on it. He should have appeared in the programme wearing a T-shirt that says, I AM A POMPOUS TWAT, written on it.
John Prescott parked in a parking space reserved for the disabled, when as everyone knows, he should have parked in the space reserved for fat, overweight, overpaid, two-jag owning, political, tosspots!
And oh dear, the Hamiltons have been in the news again and Christine Hamilton behaves more bizarrely every time she appears on our screens. Can anyone tell me what planet this woman is from?
Anyway, the couple, who are mates with Street favourite, Ken Barlow (actor William Roache) were arrested on a charge of sexual assault. Apparently they were accused of committing an indecent act on a young woman.
Any act committed by the couple is indecent in my opinion! Seeing the couple make the tea would be indecent!
On a lighter note, the Queen Mum celebrated her 101st birthday by getting herself admitted to hospital again.

Drugs In Our Schools

The nation is in a grip of a social problem directly concerning our children. All over the country drugs are being sold in and around schools, to kids as young as 6 years old. All that is, except for St. Nathan's Primary School in Shillingsworth, North Yorkshire, where they are unable to obtain any drugs at all.
Danny, 8, complained to us:
'No one sells drugs at the schools gates here. My bestest friend, Stuart Radcliffe, gets drugs at his school but he never gives me any of his stash.'
'I think it's about time you found yourself a new best friend then, isn't it Danny,' we told him.
'S'pose so. One who can get me drugs. I mean, he's stoned every night and I just have to sit there and watch him laugh his head off, completely out of it. I have to make do with smoking a fag or supping a can of my dad's beer that I've nicked from our fridge.'

Sandy, a seven year old has a similar story.
'You can't get drugs at this school for love nor money,' she told us. 'I know I've tried. I once told Nigel Smith that I'd give him a kiss and show him my knickers if he'd get me some crack. But he wouldn't, the shithead!'

We interviewed the headmistress, Mrs Jessop, who was equally concerned.
'What's wrong with our school? Is it not good enough for the drug pushers? In all the schools in Shillingsworth pupils can buy drugs outside the school gates, no problem. But not ours, it's scandalous!