Ask Dr Mal Practice archive


Comment | People | Christmas Tips | Dr Mal Practice | BANANAS archive | Submit News | Links

Dr Mal Practice

Disclaimer: The advice given in this column is that of a deranged, psychopathic, personality disorder. We only let him do the page because he's threatened to give us a lethal injection if we don't!

December 2002
Dear Dr Mal,
I'm a 43-year-old man and still believe in Santa Clause, am I normal?
Santa's good little boy, Northampton
Dear Weirdo,
Fuck, no!  Get help!
Dear Dr Mal,
My husband plays golf and I can't decide whether to buy him a set of golf clubs or a nice pair of checked trousers I've seen, for him this Christmas, can you help me?
Jean Tucker, Bolton
Dear Jean,
So your husband likes golf does he?  That can't be good for you, stuck in on your own while he's out playing.  It's about time you started thinking about having an affair.  All this loneliness is not good for you.  Find yourself a man who hates golf and is hung like a stallion, and can give you a good seeing to.  Then have him round when hubby's out whacking those little white balls around a course (and you could be sucking some guy's little white balls - or some other guy's big black balls!)
Dear Dr Mal,
I fancy a woman who works in the same office as me and with the office party looming, I wonder if I should make a move and kiss her under the mistletoe.  What do you think?
Tony Duff, Hull
Dear Tone,
Shagging her under the mistletoe would be preferable, but maybe that's a bit too presumptuous.  Go for the kiss, and then if she's okay with it, fuck her up the arse in front of the managing director, whose wife it is (I did that one year and you should have seen his face - it was a picture!)

November 2002
Dear Dr Mal, I am frightened that I might be a lesbian.  I've cut my hair short, and really like it that way.  Also, I've become interested in car mechanics and grow less and less interested in haberdashery (and I used to be quite fond of that.)  To add to this, I've spotted a pair of dungarees in our local British Home Stores, and haven't had the nerve to try them on (though I want to!)  I'm so ashamed.  Am I a lesbian, or is it just a phase or something? 
Merry Flapps, Twickenham.

Dear Merry,  Well it sounds to me like you're just a little confused.  Try the dungarees on for goodness sakes, or you'll only wonder what it would be like to see yourself in them.  If you like the way you look, purchase them and wear them with pride.  It seems to me, however, that you are turning into a cliché!

Dear Dr Mal, I'm a 32-year-old woman, and I'm sleeping with my best friend (a 33 year old woman!) but I'm frightened my husband might find out.  What can I do? 

Muff Diver, Berwick-on-Tweed.

Dear Muff, Have him killed!  No, just kidding.  Tell him, and promise that he can watch next time.  You'll be surprised at how keen he is.  Believe me, I know men!

Dear Dr Practice, I think I may be bi-lingual.  The other day I started speaking in fluent French for no apparent reason.  It's happened a few times recently.  My husband is beginning to suspect something.  The other day I had a whole conversation with my best friend Monica (who is bi-lingual) in French.  If my husband ever found out that I'm bi-lingual, he'd divorce me I know it.  Merci.

Mademoiselle Shirley Ashworth

Dear Mademoiselle Shirley, I'm afraid you're going to have to face it - you are bi-lingual.  It probably started in school, when you probably took more attention in French class than any of the other pupils.  It's now coming out in your conversations.  There's nothing you can do about it - looks like it's the divorce court for you I'm afraid love!

Dear Dr Mal, I'm a woman of 62 and I find more and more that I am attracted to young attractive women, especially one of my daughter's friends, who has a fabulous pair of titties that I'd just love to suck.  What am I to do?

Constance Lingus, Nottingham

Dear Connie, The best way is to whip her top off and remove her bra - and then you can get at them! 

May 2002 

Dear Dr Mal, I want to move the lampshade in the front room.  Do you think it would look better over there by the television or over there by the hi-fi?

Sybil, Manchester.

Dear Sybil, Oh, over there by the hi-fi, definitely.  If you put it by the television it'll clash with the curtains!

Dear Dr Practice, I have a mole on the end of my nob, is it dangerous?

Chaz, Derbyshire.

Dear Chaz, Fuck, yeah!  Get the vicious little rodent off it immediately - it could be rabid!!!  What are you doing with a mole on the end of your nob anyway, perve!

Dear Dr Mal, I've just purchased a tent, and when me and the wife were trying it out in the back garden, I couldn't get it up.  Have you any advice to help me get it up with the wife?

Dick, Little Limp.

Dear Limp Dick, Well, I receive many letters from men who can't get it up - but never a tent before!  Why not try a caravan instead, then you don't need to struggle to get it up.

 April 2002
Dear Dr Mal, I want to have sex with my boyfriend but I'm frightened of getting pregnant, what should I do?

Amy Hurst, Warrington.

Dear Amy, Get him to shaft you up the arse then there's no risk!

Dear Dr Practice, I have terrible acne and boys won't look at me, what should I do?

Jenny Gorton, Wilmslow.

Dear Jenny, Make a loud noise like an elephant sneezing or something and jump up and down waving your arms in the air, everyone, including boys, are bound to look at you then!

Dear Dr Practice, I have a crush on my teacher who is obviously much older than me, does age matter, and will he get into trouble if he shags me senseless one night after school when his wife's away?

Karen Metcalfe, Cardiff.

Dear Karen, Oh dear me yes, go for it!  On the subject of him getting into trouble, don't you realise how much money you could make if you sold your story to the papers afterwards?  You're sitting on a goldmine!

PS:  Remember me and the advice I've given you when you're a rich famous slut!

Dear Dr Mal, There's this boy at school I really fancy but he doesn't fancy me, what can I do to get his attention and make him fancy me?

Alison Tarbuck, Liverpool.

Dear Alison, Wear a low cut top and your shortest skirt, approach him and say, 'Do you fancy a blowjob?It never fails!

January 2002

Dear Dr Mal,
I am so fat that my husband won't even look at me anymore. Furthermore, I can't get him to have sex with me and I am gagging for it! He says that I repulse him. He says that when he makes love to a woman, he doesn't want to see a big fat thing like me lying underneath him. I am worried that if I don't do something he might stray and find a slim, younger woman to bonk senseless.
Can you help me I am in dire straits?

A.F.Bagg, Flabbmound

Dear Fatty,
Get him to wear a blindfold; then he doesn't have to look at you. But there's something that puzzles me about your letter - I don't remember a woman being in Dire Straits and I have all their CDs and everything. Which were are you? Did you have a sex change?

Dear Doc,
I can't seem to get an erection no matter how hard I try. It just won't get hard. I have heard there are all kinds of things you can do; like putting your nob in a vacuum. How do I put my nob in a vacuum?

Paul Nobb, Little Hampton

Dear Small Nobb,
Well you need to be careful. It is true that if you put your penis in a vacuum it will get erect. However, don't confuse vacuum with vacuum cleaner. If you put your penis in a vacuum cleaner there's no telling what might happen. It could get stuck in the nozzle or anything! Although it's fun at first (and I should know) it's no fun when you have to go down to the local hospital with a vacuum cleaner stuck on the end of your nob! A visit to your local sex shop should prove helpful - just say to the assistant, 'I can't get it up, and he will only too keen to assist you.

Dear Dr Mal,
I am 13 years old and recently have started masturbating. The other day my mother came in and caught me at it. What should I do? After all, isn't it perfectly healthy to be masturbating at my age?

Dick Out, Trousers Down

Dear Dick,
Get a lock on the door. Then you can spank the plank to your heart's content; safe in the knowledge that your mother won't barge in on you. I still have that problem but with the wife coming in!

Dear Dr Mal,
I wasn't sure whether to write to you or not. I don't like the idea of my problem being shown all over the Internet. The thing is, I am very shy and don't seem to be able to talk to girls. But please, whatever you do, don't put this letter on your page; I don't want my friends to know I wrote to you.

Danny Jones, Plymouth

Dear Danny Jones of 67 Farm Lane, Plymouth, PL36SB,
Of course I won't put your letter on my page; what kind of an inconsiderate, insensitive person do you think I am? As for not being able to talk to girls, for heaven's sake they're not from another planet! All you need is confidence. So what if you go bright red and start stumbling over your words - she'll just think you're an idiot that's all!

November/December 2001

Dear Dr Practice,
I am 13 years old and the last time me and my boyfriend were kissing, he stuck his tongue in my ear. Could I get pregnant?

Karen Crompton, Leeds.

Dear Karen,
Well you could get pregnant, but not through your boyfriend sticking his tongue in your ear. However, I do know a good way I could show you of getting a young girl like you pregnant but unfortunately it's not legal!

Dear Doctor,
I am 14 and I suffer from really bad acne, is there some kind of cream I can get from my doctor? One that's more powerful than the ones you can get from the chemists, as boys don't fancy me and call me a dog. I enclose a photo so you can see for yourself.

Donna Kebab, Preston.

Dear Donna,
You are a dog aren't you! It's not some kind of cream you need, it's plastic surgery!

Dear Dr. Mal,
I think I am developing breasts. I am putting on weight in the chest area and my nipples are becoming bigger and resemble a woman's. I have enclosed a photo so you can see for yourself. How can I get rid of them?

Hugh Melonz, Bristol

Dear Huge ... er, sorry, Hugh,
I see what you mean. But do you really want to get rid of them? If I had a pair of knockers like that, I wouldn't want to. I bet you play with them, I would!

Dear Dr. Mal Practice,
My wife and I have three children and she's pregnant again. I am thinking of having a vasectomy so we don't have any more children, as these last two were not planned. Does it hurt and how successful is it?

Trevor Hastings, West Glamorgan.

Dear Trev,
Of course it doesn't hurt, you're under anaesthetic when you get your snip! Unless you wake up during the operation, in which case you'll start screaming in painful agony! But try not to worry, this doesn't happen often.
Of course there are other ways to overcome your problem. Have you ever thought of selling your children? It's one solution!

Dear Doc,
I play rugby and when I'm in the showers after the game I keep looking at all the other men's penises and wondering what it would be like to have sex with another man. It is very embarrassing as I often get an erection when I am thinking about this and all the lads have noticed. The last time this happened, I fantasised about getting gang-banged by the entire team! Am I gay?

Phil Mee, Aching Bottom.

Dear Phil,
Well what do you think?!

July/August 2001

Dear Dr Mal,
I am fat and overweight and very worried about my health.
I keep trying to diet but it's no use and every time I go on holiday and get into my bikini, people laugh and little children point and say, 'Look at the fat lady.'
I am desperate, can you help me?

P.S. I have enclosed a photo of me in my bikini to show you what a sight I look.

Miss Tubb of Berkshire.

Dear Miss Tubb,
Well you would be desperate, a big fat tub of lard like you and I bet they call you Tubby! Ha ha, what an unfortunate name for you!
I am sending you a diet sheet, although judging from the photo of you, we're going to have to do a lot of work to get a big dollop of obesity like you down to any reasonable size.
Incidentally, can you send me more photos of you in a bikini, or nude even, so I can study them and observe whether anything can be done and which would be the best diet for you.

Dear Dr. Mal,
I'm a necrophilliac, I like having sex with dead women (and men I'm not fussy!) I used to break into the local morgue to pursue my fetish but the security became tighter after they discovered evidence of my little activity. Now I've found I have to go out and kill people just to have sex with them, am I normal?

Dick Rigid, Bournemouth.

Dear Dick,
Perfectly! I've killed loads of my patients and then had sex with them. As for necrophilia itself, there's nothing I can think of better than the pleasure of slipping your stiffy into a stiffy!

Dear Dr. Practice
I've got piles and everywhere I go I keep leaving a bloody mess on seats and when I get back home my pants are saturated. Is there any treatment for haemorrhoids or will I just have to suffer?

Mr G. R. Apes, Hounslow.

Dear Mr GRApes,
I'm afraid you'll just have to suffer. There's no treatment for piles (honest! - don't go to the chemist or anything and look for one!)

Dear Dr Mal
I think I'm a vampire. Just recently I've taken to going out and attacking people, especially young ladies, and then cutting them and drinking their blood to get my fix. It's more exciting than sex. Am I turning into a vampire or am I just some sort of pervert who gets off on drinking women's blood?

Count Dracula, Transylvania (well Skegness really and my name's not really Count Dracula, it's Kevin Trubshaw).

Dear Count Kevin,
Well my friend there's no such thing as a pervert in my opinion. As for turning into a vampire don't be so fucking stupid, no such creature exists (but what you do sounds exciting and bloody; I might try it!)

Dear Dr. Practice,
I have this growth on the end of my penis that resembles a barnacle and oozes foul-smelling, green puss and I can't get my girlfriend to perform oral sex on me. What should I do to cure this?

Russ Pertwee, Beds.

Dear Russ,
The cure is to find a girly who's pervy that way and wants to suck off a guy with a revolting penis (and I've known plenty!)

Dear Doc,
Recently my boyfriend wanted to have anal sex with me but I'm frightened that it might hurt. Does it hurt?

Katie Mc'Millan, Glasgow.

Dear Katie,
It hurts like buggery!